


Hello, Dean

by imjustmick



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Suicide Attempt, Short Chapters, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, past bullying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-18
Updated: 2020-04-25
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:02:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 43
Words: 22,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23717137
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imjustmick/pseuds/imjustmick
Summary: Castiel Novak just wanted to be noticed...He was bullied.Called names.But what kept him going was a certain bright green-eyed boy.A boy who had no idea that he, Castiel James Novak, even existed...Until it was almost too late...
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 10
Kudos: 52





	1. Teaser

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is read as a series of notes that were never sent until now by Castiel to Dean. There are mentions of past self-harm, self-harm, past abuse, past bullying, past suicide attempts, bits of suicide notes, suicidal thoughts, and a suicide attempt. 
> 
> This fic is dark and I advise those who are sensitive to these subjects to either read a fic suitable for you or advance at your own risk and pace.
> 
> If you are ever thinking about suicide, please please please reach out to somebody or call the suicide hotline of your country.
> 
> USA's suicide hotline can be called here: 
> 
> 1-800-273-8255
> 
> If you have thoughts of self-harm please please please reach out to somebody you trust.
> 
> You are not alone.  
> You are so loved.  
> You are valid.

It was just an ordinary Monday, the sun was shining bright, the trees swayed as the summerish breeze blew through them softly.

Dean sighed as he walked into the school, it was near graduation and he couldn't wait to get out of this hell hole called High School. As he walked to his locker, he noticed somebody was leaving it, an envelope sticking out. "Hey!" Dean shouted, the boy turned around, tears brimming his sapphire eyes. He smiled sadly before turning away and running into the sea of students, all rushing to get to their lockers.

Dean stood there for a brief moment and wondered who the boy was and why he was crying. Also why he was putting stuff into his locker, maybe it was just one of Crowley's cruel doings again, blackmailing some poor kid to put more of those "secret" letters into his locker (it was only letters to say to meet him wherever so they could discuss last weeks episode of Unnatural).

Dean walked up to his locker and pulled out the rather thick envelope,

_DEAN W._

Was written in neat handwriting, none of which was Crowley's. He stared at it for a moment before opening it and finding tons of handwritten letters inside. He looked at the top one,

_Hello, Dean._


	2. 1.

Finally home from school and now in his room, Dean flops down on his bed, still wondering about that kid who was at his locker. He sat up and sighed, getting into his bag to pull out the envelope.

Attached to the first letter was a picture of the boy he had seen earlier:

Scribbled on it was a name, Castiel. Dean stared at the picture, _Why the hell would he give me all these?_ Dean thought to himself. He set the picture aside and started reading the letter...

_Hello, Dean._

_I know you don't even know I exist, nobody ever does, but, I would like to thank you for everything you've done for me._

_I am Castiel J. Novak. You might have heard that name in most of your classes for I am in them. I am always the one in back so nobody notices me._

_Though you may not even care, you have saved me many times, saved my life. You don't know it though. I am here to tell you how though, read on or don't, I wouldn't even be surprised if you've thrown this away as soon as you got it. But in this envelope... It contains my highschool life, what I've been through, and how you helped._

_Thank you for your time if you've actually read this,_

_Castiel (or Cas for short)._


	3. 2.

Dean read the words with care, he smiled a little at the thought of having saved a life more than once. He set the note aside and picked up the stack of letters, thumbing through it. Each page had a ton of writing, the handwriting was very small and neat.

_October 7, 2011_

_Dear Dean,_

_I know for certain that this will never reach you. I know that as soon as I write it, my anxiety will take over and I'll crumple it up as I've done with all the others. I know you don't know what you did today, but I want to thank you for making the group of boys stop. I don't think they've ever been that scared in their life._

_I'm sorry that afterward, I wasn't there when you turned around. I ran off because... Well, I'm not really sure why, but I'm sorry I did it. You didn't have to save me, they were only doing what society does best: bullying the_ homosexual. _I'm surprised you didn't join them._

_You may not know it, but that simple act of kindness has stopped me from crying today. Has stopped me from dragging my old friend across my wrists, sometimes even my legs. Thank you for showing me I do have a lot to live for, and that people care. It really means a lot._

_Sincerely,_

_Castiel J. Novak_

Dean felt his heartbreak a little. This Castiel kid seemed like he had been through a lot, calling a razor an old friend? He was happy that he had done whatever and stopped those kids, for all he knew, if he didn't, there wouldn't have been all these other pages of letters, and he would have never have gotten them.

Dean sniffles and wipes at his nose. He knew how it felt to be different, to be teased and taunted because he liked both boys and girls. He wished that he could have had somebody to make them stop, but instead he fought until they stopped. Dean sets the letter down and rubs at the faded scars on his own wrist. He looks down at the letter again and skims over it. "Awh, Cass..."

"Dean! Dinner is ready!" Mary, Dean's mother, calls up the stairwell.

"I'm doing homework! I'm not even hungry anyway!" He hollers back. He picks up the next letter, noticing the old tear stains on it.


	4. 3.

Dean looked at the tear smudged ink on the next letter. It was longer than the other one he had just read, and he noticed that the handwriting was sloppier too.

_November 1, 2011_

_Dean,_

_I have tried to do what you do when you are picked on for your own sexuality, but it just made things worse._

_The teasing and taunting won't stop it has increased. More and more boys, sometimes even girls, call me names like_ "Faggot" _and_ "Queer". _It hurts. It hurts so much, they tell me that I'm sick and need therapy! A kid on the football team with_ McCloud _on his varsity jacket says I was touched by my father when I was younger, and that's the reason I'm gay. But my father never did. He left when I was born, but came back when I was 13._

_But what hurts even worse is that you have contributed to the pain._

_Without realizing, you have joined them. I know you don't know who I am, but it still hurts. I know you don't even know me but... It hurts. Why poke fun at me for liking men when you like men yourself? Does it make you feel better about your own sexuality?_

_Whatever it may be, my life is a living hell now. Not only am I fighting with the immature people at school who think it's cool to make fun of somebody's sexuality, but my parents are splitting up. They say it's not because of me, but I know otherwise... My father treats me horribly now that I've come out, but my mother, bless her kind natured soul, is very accepting of me. It causes fights, and honestly, I wish I were normal, I wish I was into girls and not boys._

_But not only am I living the pain of my parents fighting and calling forth a divorce, and getting bullied at school. My only friend, Charlie, as you and the rest of the school have heard, has committed suicide. I grieve her death more than everybody, because, in a way, she was the only woman I loved. She was like my sister. My only friend is gone now, I am alone, and all I feel is pain. Left alone to listen to the little voice in my head scream awful things at me._

_Is life worth living? If it's filled with so much pain?_

_Please, I know that you'll never get this letter, but please... Help me._

_-Castiel_

Dean sniffled and wiped his eyes. "Cas! Oh my God!" He chokes out. He wanted to track him down and hug the life out of him. Dean felt bad for Castiel, no teen, no child, _nobody_ , should go through such a horrible thing like this!

He sets the letter down and takes a shuddery breath. He had recalled poking fun at a student he had only heard of but never knew. And it turned out to be Castiel, the one writing these letters. He whimpered and cried, he felt awful, why did he do it? He was half gay himself, and yet he found himself picking on Castiel. He sighed and laid back on his bed. "I'm such an idiot. I wish I could take back the things I've said!"


	5. 4.

Not really wanting to go on, but also curious, Dean sits up, dries his tears, and moves on to the next letter. This one has brown stains on it and burn marks, smelling of stale cigarettes and beer. He frowned at the writing that was all over the place, the spelling messed up and letters not properly written. It was almost illegible.

_Novber 30, 2011_

_Der DEan,_

_i hav nver felt sO alone in My lyfe. charlys death and my parens figting all time Is reAllY. . . Its no good._

As I is writinG tis, _I am drUnk. I has picked up habits bad 4 me. i smoke, drunk till i pAss Out... My parEnts ~~don~~ do not care. They is to bussy fghting with eachother to cre_.

_I is not aLways drink, buT when In sober, all I Do is cri. I drink to maKe thE paine stop. Th pain of me parent s figting all time becuse of me gay. Charless death. Bulying._

_I jst want t all two stop. The pane is never endig, my writs hurt from cuting. I know I shount cut, but it help. It helps me forget charli deaths, parents, and my feel_

Dean groaned as he found that the rest of the letter was burnt off. He felt sorry for Castiel. He felt like he needed to protect him and make him know that everything would be alright, that he is not alone. Dean sets the letter aside and finds the next one a little more gruesome, small drops of dried blood on it and more dried tears. "Jesus, Cas!"


	6. 5.

Dean couldn't bear any more writing from Castiel, but he couldn't help but read more. He felt compelled to read all the letters, no matter how many there were, or how depressing they got. He needed to know Castiel's story, he needed to know why the boy was crying today, why he smiled so sweetly yet sadly at Dean. And as he recalled, the kid wasn't in any of his classes today, not that he paid attention to who was there anyway.

_December 11, 2011_

_Dear Dean,_

_Since I last wrote to you, I have sobered up. But that's only because you helped me. For some reason when I write to you, you make me feel less lonely, though you will never see these letters._

_I thank you for giving me something to be sober for, though the pain of losing Charlie is far too great to bear, I will make it._

_My parents_ have _finalized the divorce_. _Now since James has left, the house is silent. My mother is heartbroken._ _She doesn't speak. My brother Gabriel has left for college now, why he has left me at this time I'll never know, but I miss him. He misses me too._

_Gabriel and I were close. I'm happy that he got into college, but I am deeply upset that he has left me to take care of our heartbroken mother._

_Anna, my mother, doesn't cook anymore, I have to. I try my hardest to make at least small talk with her, but she just sits and cries silently. I know this is my fault._

_Their entire divorce is my fault. I regret coming out. I regret being gay. I regret... Living._

_I come from a religious family, but if the 'God' person is so kind, why did he give me this life? Why has he made me gay when he clearly knew it was the wrong choice, that I would split my parents up. The only good he has done is given me a loving mother, but honestly, she's become nothing but a hollow shell of her old smiling self._

_I hate my life, I hate this silence, it's a very dangerous thing! All it gives me is time to think and when I think... It's not good, Dean. I think and think and think and go into a dark pit of self hated and despair! My cutting has only gotten worse, I miss Charlie. I miss my dad. I miss being in the closet! Everything was so much easier when nobody but Charlie knew I was gay._

_Please help me, it's quiet and I'm all alone, and my arms are tired of being cut, but to ease the pain of everything, its not an easy job. I just need somebody to talk to! Save me!_

_Help me._

_Cas_   
  


Dean runs a hand through his hair. The last sentences were smudged, wet stains that had dried made the ink run. Castiel needed help, he needed somebody to talk to, why didn't Dean see him and help him sooner? He sets it aside and moves on to the next.


	7. 6.

Dean looked at the clock: 6:28. He sighed, he knew he should go and eat, but he couldn't. Not when all he could do was want to read on, find out more about Castiel.

_December 21, 2011_

_Dean,_

_I heard_ _people at school say you've lost your father and that's why you haven't been at school. I've lost somebody too._

_My brother Balthazar has passed recently. It's why I have completely stopped what little talking I do. I know how it feels to lose somebody so close to you._

_Maybe we can get through it together? Make it through the December blues with each other?_

_Who am I kidding... This is never going to be seen by you._

_But, I still want you to know in some way, just the slightest bit of hope you can figure out, I am here for you... And... You are not alone._

_Merry Christmas,_

_Castiel J. Novak_

Dean smiled to himself. Though in the past few letters Castiel has cried out for help, he cared about how Dean lost his father.

And when Dean thinks back to December of 2011, he can't really remember anybody else caring besides his family and family friends.

Dean set the letter aside and stood up, stretching, and hearing and feeling his bones click into place. He decided to go downstairs and grab some food before carrying on with letters from Castiel.


	8. 7.

Finished with his dinner, Dean places his plate in the sink, running water over it to rinse the pasta sauce off.

After doing the small amount of dishes in the sink, Dean walks to the stairs, being stopped by his mother, "Honey, you've been up there since you got home!" Mary smiles sweetly and fixes his hair, "What on earth are you doing up there?"

"Homework," Dean mumbles and turns to head up over the stairs, being stopped again.

"For what class?"

"Uhh, History, got a big project that's due tomorrow..." Dean lies smoothly. His mother nods, it was always like Dean to wait until the very last second to do something.

"Alright... Don't stay up too late, hon!" Mary laughs, graceful and angelic.

"I won't... I love you."

"Love you, too, Dean." Mary smiles and walks away, tucking her blond hair behind her ear.

Dean makes his way upstairs and back into the confinements of his room. His heart beats a little faster as he sits next to the letters on his bed. He smiles and picks up the next one.

 _January 24, 201_ 2

_Dean,_

_It has come to my attention that you have recently engaged in a relationship with Lisa Braeden._

_It has also come to my attention that today is your birthday, so... Happy birthday, Dean._

_Going back to Lisa. I hate to tell you this on your birthday, though you will most likely never get_ _these_ _letters, Lisa is going behind your back and spreading things that should not be spread when you are in a relationship with somebody._

_Dean, she is telling everybody how_ _ **big** _ _you are. Nobody needs to know! Congratulations by the way. 'That is something to be proud of' is something my brother Gabriel would say._

_I don't like her Dean. I don't know why I don't like her, but I just don't. She is no good for you. She bullies the homosexual, be careful around her._

_Happy Birthday,_

_Castiel_

Dean giggled, he could practically see Castiel's blushing and jealous face. Wait. Jealous? Was Castiel _jealous_ of Lisa, whom Dean was still currently dating? Dean reread the letter a few times and chuckled, the poor kid had fallen for Dean. Dean thought it was cute, a little nerd like him falling for, what most people would call him, the most popular boy at school. It was cute, it was adorable, it made Dean's stomach flip.

Wait.

It made his stomach flip?

Dean shook his head and set the letter down. He shook off the feeling and grabbed the next letter.


	9. 8.

**TW:**

**SUICIDE NOTE**

**Mentions of abuse**

Dean skimmed the next letter, his heart racing, but not in a good way. The words were sad and all over the place. Only one small phrase catching his eye _...should end it all..._ Dean gasped and his eyes quickly flicked back up to the top of the page.

 _February 7, 201_ 2

_After being beaten by James, my father, and being told how disgusting I am for liking boys. I don't think I can go on._

_The boys, and girls, at school. They call me names, horrible names, because of my sexuality. Some even say to kill myself._

_I've tried fighting. I've tried to ignore them, all of them. I've reached out for help, but my mother... She doesn't know how to help me, she just says to ignore them. I've tried reaching out to my brother Gabriel, but he is always busy with his college work to even pick up the phone, or answer my texts. I feel so alone._

_The pain of Charlie's death is back, now that her birthday has come and passed... We used to go to the arcade and gamble against kids and other teens, loving to see their faces after we "kicked ass" as Charlie had put it on more than one occasion._

_The pain of Lucifer's, my other brother's, death still hasn't passed. He was the only other one who understood me. He liked both sexes._

_Everything just hurts and it won't stop! I just want it to stop! I don't think I can go on like this, all the pain... The never-ending pain... I should end it all. All this pain. Nobody would miss me. I have no friends. My own father hates me. My mother rarely talks to me. My brother is dead. My only friend is dead. My other brother won't answer the phone, I don't think he cares anymore. And the boy who I have fallen for, Dean Winchester... He won't notice me. He will never notice me, and it's stupid of me to even think I had a chance._

_With all this pain, I just can't fight it anymore, I'm sorry._

_I am going to end it all. Nobody will miss me._

_Castiel James Novak_

Dean broke out into a sob. He felt so bad for Castiel. His entire body shook as he sobbed silently. He wanted, no, he _needed_ to help Castiel. Dean promises himself that if he ever sees the blue-eyed, broken kid again, he'd hug, and maybe even kiss, the absolute shit out of him.


	10. 9.

Thanking a higher power that there were years worth of more letters, Dean wiped the remaining tears, but more leaked out. All he really wanted to do right now was make sure Castiel was okay. Make sure he knew that life was worth living and that if he had just talked to Dean, he would have been noticed. As much as Dean didn't want to admit it, and as much as he waits last second to do anything, he was always caught up doing his studies.

Dean Winchester was smarter than he would ever let on, and his schooling always came first.

 _February 12, 201_ 2

_Dean,_

_Nearly a week ago, I tried to commit suicide. It didn't work, my mother found me in my room and immediately rushed me to the hospital._

_I am sorry for what I did, though it is not your fault. I'm sure by now the school knows and you might have heard... Or like I mentioned in my note, nobody cared and you never heard._

_The whole 'stop the bullying' assembly today, it was my fault. My mother called in, crying in hysterics. The principal never knew about the bullying. It's a lie._

_I had gone to him plenty of times, and each time he said he would do something, but nothing was done. He is homophobic and does not care. I even heard a little bit of the phone call with my mother, "Maybe if he wasn't a fag, the other kids wouldn't feel so threatened..." I hate him._

_But, however, I am glad I was rushed to the hospital, my vision blurry from tears and blood loss... I am glad to be alive, but... Unfortunately, life still hates me. People don't know what it is like to be me. Sad and alone, my only best friend being my mother._

_Again, I am sorry for attempting such a foolish act, though you probably don't care, and you will never see this. I'd like to think you do care though, and I would love to see your face when I tell you I have found something worth living for:_

_You. Dean, you are worth living for. Even if you don't know I exist. I, well. I like you._

_I am sorry, and I promise it won't happen again._

_-Castiel_

Dean smiled to himself. Castiel had admitted to liking him and he was alive and safe, for the most part. Dean was also more than glad that Castiel had chosen him for something to live for.


	11. 10.

_February 28, 201_ 2

_Dean,_

_My mother has taken me and Gabriel to Disney in California!_

_It's very fun, everything seems magical! I've met Mickey and everybody else! And let me tell you, Prince Charming is beautiful!_

_Though everything is fun and amazing here, I miss you... A lot... And I wish you were here with me..._

_-Cas_

Dean smiled and set the letter aside. He had been to Disney once. It was magical and fun, but it was down in Florida.

Dean's family went down there when Sam was only three years old so he doesn't really remember much of it, but he remembers having fun and laughing. Dean sighs and moves on to the next letter.


	12. 11.

Dean frowned when a stale alcohol smell hit his nose and invaded it. Castiel's handwriting was sloppy again, but the words were all spelled correctly so it couldn't have been that bad.

 _March_ _17, 20_ _1_ 2

_Dean_ _,_

_I_ _have_ _come_ _to_ _the_ _conclusion_ _that_ _I_ _am_ _in_ _love_ _._ _While_ _sipping_ _on_ _the_ _vile_ _liquid_ _that_ _nearly_ _killed_ _me_ _once_ _,_ _I_ _have_ _accepted_ _my_ _feelings_ _for_ _him_ _while_ _in_ _a_ _bar_ _my_ _brother_ _dragged_ _me_ _to._

_But_ _I_ _won't_ _tell_ _you_ _his_ _name_ _._

_He_ _has_ _a_ _dazzling_ _smile_ _though_ _._ _And_ _his_ _eyes_ _are_ _bright_ _and_ _shiny_ _like_ _emeralds_ _._ _He_ _has_ _a_ _girlfriend_ _though_ _,_ _but_ _he_ _doesn't_ _know_ _that_ _she_ _has_ _been_ _seen_ _with_ _other_ _guys_ _on_ _the_ _streets_ _in_ _public_ _while_ _he_ _is_ _at_ _football_ _practices_ _._

_I_ _love_ _this_ _younger_ _fellow_ _._ _He_ _is_ _brighter_ _than_ _he_ _lets_ _on. H_ _e_ _has_ _a_ _beautiful,_ _old_ _Impala_ _._ _He_ _is_ _not_ _openly_ _bisexual_ _,_ _but_ _a lot of other LGBT students_ _suspect_ _it_ _._

_He_ _loves_ _his_ _younger_ _brother_ _,_ _he_ _makes_ _sure_ _the_ _younger_ _one_ _is_ _getting_ _good_ _grades_ _and_ _is_ _staying_ _healthy_ _while_ _his_ _mother_ _works_ _two_ _different_ _jobs_ _._

_He_ _has_ _the_ _brightest_ _smile_ _and_ _the_ _cutest_ _blushing_ _face_ _._ _His_ _eyes_ _crinkle_ _at_ _the_ _corners_ _when_ _he_ _laughs_ _or_ _smiles_ _or_ _smirks_ _._

_He_ _is_ _the_ _light_ _in_ _my_ _dark_ _life_ _._ _I_ _don't_ _know_ _why_ _or_ _how_ _I_ _fell_ _in_ _love_ _with_ _him_ _._ _But_ _I_ _did_ _._

_And_ _he'll_ _never_ _know_ _._

_-_ _Castiel_ _💙_

Dean smiled and blushed, now fully aware of the small things about him that Castiel liked. He wasn't even mad at how he had just been told that Lisa was cheating on him, and may still be for all he knew.

But, why was he blushing? And what is his heart racing for? And what's with the butterflies?

Dean soon groaned as he slowly realized that the yearning for wanting to know Castiel's story and wanting to make the newly discovered older boy know he was important and life was worth living, was him slowly getting feelings for him. Dean huffed a laugh, quickly moving on to the next one, still smiling like an idiot.


	13. 12.

Dean stared at the letter in his hands and looked at the clock. It was only seven now. His mother would check in on him in an hour and question his work on the fake project he had made up.

The smile faded from his face as he found some of the words were smudged by tear droplets that have dried over time, leaving the outer edges of the dried droplet black where it touched the ink.

 _April 6, 201_ 2

_Dean._

_Somebody told me that I was_ _expendable_ _, that my life is meaningless because of my sexual orientation._

_I laughed, ignoring it. But it still hurt, and it got to me. My father hates me because I like men and not women. It caused a divorce between my parents (who knew getting shit faced could bring out the truth). My mother is drinking more and more, even after the family trip. She misses James and I take the blame because I truly am the mess up that tore them apart._

_If I tear families apart because of who I am, then why am I here?_

_Perhaps if I were to be straight and not sick with this illness the priests call homosexualness, maybe then my life would have purpose._

_Whatever_ _the_ _case may be,_

_-C.J.N_

Dean shook his head. He wanted to smoosh Castiel's face between his hands and kiss him, telling him how much he is worth something!

But he set that thought aside as he remembered Lisa. He sighs to himself before letting his heart decide on a big decision. Lisa, who he has known since as long as he can remember, or Castiel, the boy he has never met, whos letters to him he was reading and slowly falling for him.

He smiles and picks up the next letter.


	14. 13

**TW:**

**SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

**MENTIONS OF SUICIDE SCENE**

**Mentionings of self-harm**

As soon as the smile appeared, it vanished just as quickly as Dean read the next letter, folded up and crinkled.

 _March 15, 201_ 2

_To my friend who has yet to notice my existence,_

_Today marks the day that will bring me pain in the future when I become less numb._

_This morning I found my mother in the bathtub, water_ _crimson_ _and red streaks running from her wrists, down the sides of the tub on the outside and pools of blood under the tub where it dripped off. The blade was on the floor, in the pool._

_I found her note and it stated that she couldn't take the pain of baring a troubled child, whos lifestyle broke her marriage and so on._

_My own mother has killed herself because of me. Gabriel won't talk to me because of the note she left._

_I have nobody to talk to, my only friend is gone, now my mother. My father hates me, you will never notice me. Gabriel is in so much shock and pain that he won't speak to me._

Dean took notice of the dried blood droplets and the new writing utensil and the small burn marks of a cigarette that got too close to the paper.

_The blade she used has found a new owner. And her last pack of_ _cigarettes_ _._

_I can't seem to feel anything, Dean._ _Not love, not_ _happiness_ _, not sadness, not joy. All I feel is numb u_ _ntil I cut the surface on my skin and focus on that pain. My mind is numb, the only thoughts in it are bad ones..._

_I'm alone._

_Everybody in my life has left me, Charlie, Dad, Mother, Gabriel, Lucifer. You._

_But I'm used to it I suppose. Everybody leaves me eventually._

_Like my first love, Adam. He claimed to be confused and told me he didn't love me and that I was a freak for being into him._

_He was the one I lost my virginity to. Ironic to say that you're confused after you... Well, you get the point._

There was a break in the letter and tears marked the next page up, painting it with their dried rings.

_Dean, I'm lost. I'm lost and confused. I don't know what to do anymore, it's been three days since I've last worked on this letter and nothing... I'm just... I need a friend. Gabriel won't talk to me still, my father hates me even more and, because of Mother dying, he has to take care of me. It's a living Hell, Dean._

_Maybe my father is right. Maybe I am a murderer and should hang myself._

_C.N._

Dean wiped away his tears and shook his head.

Like all the time's Mary likes to check in on him, it was at his worst moment, "Dean?" She calls through the door. Not wanting her to ask what was wrong if she came in he quickly opened his laptop and placed it next to him on the bed before placing the letters back into the envelope and sliding it under his pillow. He pretends to sleep as Mary opens the door, poking her head in to look at him. She smiles as she sees him sleeping, laptop open and soft music amitting from its speakers, barely even a whisper. She closes the door gently and Dean listens as she walks away, checking up on his little brother, Sam.

Dean takes out the envelope and sifts through the letters to where he left off, sniffling as he moves on to the next.


	15. 14.

Dean pulled a face as he sees Castiel's next letter was written in green crayon on drawing paper.

_May 15, 2012_

_Dean,_

_My father has taken a false claim to send me away and so I'm pretending to draw in order to be able to write anything to you._

_I never tried to... Well, it doesn't matter, the point is, if I stay here any longer, I'm going to actually go berserk in this home. I'm only here because my father hates me._

_My father is the actual mad man, he hasn't been the same since my mother has killed herself. He drinks constantly and I'm more than sure that he's gotten himself into some pretty heavy dru_

The paper was torn in half and crinkled which Dean could only imagine meant Castiel fought for it, but the other half was gone, forcing him onto the next letter, written in blue crayon.

_Dean,_

_The date is not important, but you are._

_You are the only thing keeping me sane, and no matter what you hear around the school, I don't belong here._

_It's mostly full of old folk who have completely been knocked off their rockers._

_I never tried to kill my own father in the name of the anti-christ! That is a lie, I'm an atheist, or at least now I am. I was on the fence for a long while, but not anymore. If there is a God, why would he give me this life? And if he hates gays, why did he make me a homosexual?_

_Let's not go down that path..._

_How are you, Dean?_

_I know you couldn't possibly answer me because you never get my letters, but... God, it's nice to at least imagine you're here and imagine conversations with you. Hey, if I'm claimed mad, I might as well go all out, right?_

_Look, I know I'm just talking to paper, but_

The letter was cut off there and Dean growled, annoyed. He was also kind of mad at Castiel's father for making an obviously false accusation that's so stupid it works.

Dean prayed that the next letter would be about Castiel making some grand escape or somebody busting him out or something.


	16. 15.

Dean sighs in relief as he sees the next letter looks somewhat normal.

 _May 20, 201_ 2

_Dean,_

_Word got around to Charlie's parents and they have taken me in after persuading the home people to let me free._

_I'm sitting in Charlie's old room, reminiscing the old memories from when we were young to the last day we spent together in this room._

_I miss her, Dean. She was really my only friend and she's gone._

_But at least I can cherish the memories I have with her._

_I just, I wish she was still here, you know? She was the only one who understood me, who understood what it's like to only like the same sex._

_You would have liked her. She was spunky. She was a flare. A spark. Truly something else._

_Ha, look at me sounding like I'm talking to you. Like I'm talking to you about old high school friends and we're older and you actually notice me._

_I should probably go now, Mr. and Mrs. Bradbury are calling me down for dinner._

_And since I know you'll never receive this letter, I uhh... I love you, Dean._

_-the boy you'll never notice_

Dean felt his face heat up as he set the letter down. He couldn't help but smile like an idiot. Castiel had just confessed his true feelings. A simple three-letter phrase that means a lot. He chuckles, unable to hide his pure happiness and picks up the next letter.


	17. 16

Still blushing and smiling like a mad man, Dean moves onto the next letter.

 _May 31, 201_ 2

_Dean,_

_I can't get you out of my head since you helped me to the office when I finally broke down and just snapped. You were so kind and your eyes so caring! You couldn't get my name right for the life of you, but Cassiel works fine, he was the brother of the angel I was named after anyway. And plus I guess my speech was hard to understand through the tears, so that couldn't have made the pronunciation any better._

_I never got to thank you for helping me, you are truly an amazing person! You didn't have to crawl under the stall door to see if I was okay or not but you did._

_No matter what I do, it seems I just can't shake you out of my mind, the way you spoke so softly and soothingly. Your candy apple eyes were so gentle. The way your lips twitched with a worried frown when I said I wasn't okay and to leave me alone._

_I can still remember the cologne you were wearing, how it filled my nose when I latched onto you and you held me close as you offered a friendly and comforting hug._

_I can't help but feel like this was something... I just... I felt something, Dean. Something natural, something... Something I can't explain!_

_I know you won't ever feel the same, or even if you do feel the same, you have Lisa. I can only hope that if you don't feel the same, then at least you will be happy with Lisa. I could never give you a family, bare your child like her anyways. You seem like you are the type to want a large family and I can't ever give that to you, so go and be happy with her, have lots of little Deans running around... Something I wish I could give you, but that's physically impossible._

_I will never have the chance to repay you for helping me in my time of need. I get far too nerved up to even approach you. You just happened to catch me in a state of sadness, pain, and emotional tiredness. I just needed somebody to comfort me, and though it could have been anybody, I'm glad it was you._

_You know, sometimes I even think fate brought us together that day, like we are destined to... Well, let's not let my mind wander, it was just a happy coincidence after all._

_I do love you, Dean Winchester. You have saved me in more ways I can count, and I can't thank you enough._

_Hopelessly and most certainly endlessly in love,_

_Castiel James Novak_

Dean was utterly speechless as he stared down at the letter. He could vaguely remember the day he helped some dorky, crying kid to the office where they lead him to the school counselor. He thought it was just some simple thing like it didn't matter, but he was wrong. He was way wrong. It mattered a lot to Cas, and now it meant so much to Dean, knowing that it wasn't just a simple act of kindness.


	18. 17.

Still speechless, and with tiredness gaining on him, Dean skims through the next letter, blushing at a few words he finds.

This wasn't a letter, Castiel had seemed to have more or less written down a dream he had had with Dean. Dean felt a harsh blush creep it's way up to his neck and paint his face as he drags his index finger along the side of the page as he reads the fantasy Cas had. "Jesus Christ, Castiel!" Dean groans as he gets to the end of the dream description Castiel had written.

_You make me feel things, Dean! You drive me insane and my sex drive is up and ready to go! Though the only way I can have you is by imagination, I don't mind. Just know that I won't want anyone else, and my mind and body will be forever devoted to you._

_You know who I am ;)_

_Castiel J. **Winchester**_

A small whine escaped the back of Dean's throat and he shifted in his seat as he tried to fight the warm heat pooling in his lower abdomen. Instead, he decides to focus on the bold print and dominant state of the last name change. "Castiel Winchester... I could get used to that..." Dean chuckled to himself. With a quick hitch in his breath as he skims the letter again, he moves onto the next letter to take his mind off his quickly growing situation.


	19. 18.

_June 20, 2012_

_Dean,_

_Summer has begun and I have nobody to talk, go places, and do things with. Charlie and I had planned to go to the beach for most of the Summer... But... You know..._

_I just want to go back to school. At least there I could see your face, hear your laugh as you joke around with your friends in class and in the hallways. I wish I had friends. I wish I could be your friend._

_I really miss you, Dean. Though we never talked in person until that one time you helped me to the office when I broke down one day. I tell you a lot in these letters I write to you, though I'm 100% sure you'll never get them, and, sometimes I... Overshare..._

Dean laughs now as he is positive Castiel is referring to the last piece of writing he had read, about the romantic and intimate dream Castiel had told him about. Dean would be lying if he were to say that he wouldn't gladly, without any hesitation, make that dream come true. He would also be lying if he said that he didn't like the idea of being teased to the point of begging for release, but that is for a later time and a different day.

_I say things I shouldn't... But fortunately for me, these letters will only be seen by me, and that's only if I stumble across old ones or read through them again. Other than that they sit in a secluded spot in my desk._

_I only look through them when I miss you though. And I only write to you when I'm lonely, sad, bored, want to thank you, want to talk to you . . . So really I write to you just about every day, but it's mostly about stupid things so I end up throwing away a lot of the letters. I only really keep the good ones and the not so good ones but those not so good ones mean something, so, I keep them._

_I understand that this is one of the pointless ones, but I think I'll keep it._

_I really do miss you, Dean. Like. A lot._

_I miss your smile._

_Your laugh._

_The courage you have to take on every day, even when it's a bad day. I wish I could do that. I wish I could just drift through life without a care in the world like you can and do._

_I love you, Dean._

_Please notice me sometime next year and have a great Summer,_

_C.J.W._

Dean smiled softly at the letter in his hand. It may not have meant something to Castiel, but it did mean something to him.

He wished he could have read every letter Castiel had written, but this was fine. After all, he had to go through a huge stack as is, and he could only imagine what it would have been if he had kept all of them.


	20. 19.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter for whatever reason keeps using multiple spaces in between words no matter what I do. I can't seem to fix it no matter how annoying it is, I am sorry.

_June_ _20, 2012_

 _Dean_ _._

 _Summer_ _has_ _begun_ _and_ _I_ _have_ _nobody_ _to_ _talk,_ _go_ _places_ _,_ _and_ _do_ _things_ _with_ _._ _Charlie_ _and_ _I_ _had_ _planned_ _to_ _go_ _to_ _the_ _beach_ _for_ _most_ _of_ _the_ _Summer_ _..._ _But_ _..._

 _I_ _just_ _want_ _to_ _go_ _back_ _to_ _school_ _._ _At_ _least_ _there_ _I_ _could_ _see_ _your_ _face_ _,_ _hear_ _your_ _laugh_ _as_ _you_ _joke_ _around_ _with_ _your_ _friends_ _in_ _class_ _and_ _in_ _the_ _hallways_ _._ _I_ _wish_ _I_ _had_ _friends_ _._ _I_ _wish_ _I_ _could_ _be_ _your_ _friend_ _._

 _I_ _really_ _miss_ _you_ _,_ _Dean_ _._ _Though_ _we_ _never_ _talked_ _in_ _person_ _until_ _that one time you_ _helped_ _me_ _to_ _the_ _office_ _when_ _I_ _broke_ _down_ _one_ _day_ _,_ _I_ _tell_ _you_ _a_ _lot_ _in_ _these_ _letters_ _I_ _write_ _to_ _you. Though_ _I'm_ _100%_ _sure_ _you'll_ _never_ _get_ _them_ _,_ _and_ _sometimes_ _I_ _overshare_

Dean laughs now as he is positive Castiel is referring to the last piece of writing he had read, about the _romantic_ dream Castiel had told him about. Dean would be lying if he were to say that he wouldn't gladly, without any hesitation, make that dream come true. He would also be lying if he said that he didn't like the idea of being teased to the point of begging for release, but that is for a later time and a different day.

 _and_ _I_ _say_ _things_ _I_ _shouldn't_ _..._ _But_ _fortunately_ _for_ _me_ _,_ _these_ _letters_ _will_ _only_ _be_ _seen_ _by_ _me_ _,_ _and_ _that's_ _only_ _if_ _I_ _stumble_ _across_ _old_ _ones_ _or_ _read_ _through_ _them_ _again_ _._ _Other_ _than_ _that_ _they_ _sit_ _in_ _a_ _secluded_ _spot on_ _my_ _desk_ _._

 _I_ _only_ _look_ _through_ _them_ _when_ _I_ _miss_ _you_ _though_ _._ _And_ _I_ _only_ _write_ _to_ _you_ _when_ _I'm_ _lonely_ _,_ _sad_ _,_ _bored_ _,_ _want_ _to_ _thank_ _you_ _,_ _want_ _to_ _talk_ _to_ _you.._ _._ _So_ _really_ _I_ _write_ _to_ _you_ _just_ _about_ _every day_ _,_ _but_ _it's_ _mostly_ _about_ _stupid_ _things_ _so_ _I_ _end_ _up_ _throwing_ _away_ _a_ _lot_ _of_ _the_ _letters._ _I_ _only_ _really_ _keep_ _the_ _good_ _ones_ _and_ _the_ _not_ _so_ _good_ _ones_ _but_ _those_ _not_ _so_ _good_ _ones_ _mean_ _something_ _,_ _so_ _,_ _I_ _keep_ _them_ _._

 _I_ _understand_ _that_ _this_ _is_ _one_ _of_ _the_ _pointless_ _ones_ _,_ _but_ _I_ _think_ _I'll_ _keep_ _it_ _._

 _I_ _really_ _do_ _miss_ _you_ _,_ _Dean_ _._ _Like_ _._ _A_ _lot_ _._

 _I_ _miss_ _your_ _smile_ _._

 _Your_ _laugh_ _._

 _The_ _courage_ _you_ _have_ _to_ _take_ _on_ _every_ _day_ _,_ _even_ _when_ _it's_ _a_ _bad_ _day_ _._ _I_ _wish_ _I_ _could_ _do_ _that_ _._ _I_ _wish_ _I_ _could_ _just_ _drift_ _through_ _life_ _without_ _a_ _care_ _in_ _the_ _world_ _like_ _you_ _can_ _and_ _do_ _._

 _I_ _love_ _you_ _,_ _Dean_ _._

 _Please_ _notice_ _me_ _sometime_ _next_ _year_ _and_ _have_ _a_ _great_ _Summer_ _,_

 _C_ _._ _J_ _._ _W_ _._

Dean smiled softly at the letter in his hand. It may not have meant something to Castiel, but it did mean something to him.

He wished he could have read every letter Castiel had written, but this was fine. After all he had to go through a huge stack as is, and he could only imagine what it would have been if he had kept all of them.


	21. 20.

Continuing to ignore the growing bulge in his jeans from the other letter, Dean makes his way to another sad-looking letter.

He feared that it might have been another bump in Castiel's life that he couldn't fix because it was in the past, but nevertheless, his eyes started to fly across the page.

_September_ _2, 2012_

_Dean_ _,_

_The_ _new_ _school_ _year_ _is_ _approaching_ _and_ _I_ _don't_ _know_ _if_ _I_ _can_ _make_ _it_ _._

_My_ _life_ _is_ _still_ _a_ _wreck_ _,_ _I'm_ _no_ _longer_ _living_ _with_ _the_ _Bradbury's_ _._ _I've_ _taken_ _shelter_ _with_ _my_ _older_ _brother_ _,_ _Gabriel_ _,_ _in_ _his_ _apartment_ _._ _Granted_ _I_ _have_ _to_ _take_ _several_ _busses_ _to_ _get_ _to_ _a_ _stop_ _where_ _actual_ _Kansas_ _High_ _busses_ _are_ _,_ _it's_ _still_ _a_ _place_ _to_ _live_ _where_ _I'm_ _not_ _much_ _of_ _a_ _burden_ _._

_I'm_ _not_ _sure_ _if_ _I_ _can_ _do_ _this_ _all_ _by_ _myself_ _,_ _Dean_ _._ _I_ _am_ _alone_ _,_ _I_ _don't_ _have_ _many_ _friends_ _!_ _I_ _don't_ _have_ _any_ _friends_ _!_ _Gabriel_ _has_ _classes_ _well_ _into_ _the_ _night_ _,_ _and_ _he_ _is_ _up_ _to_ _his_ _head_ _in_ _homework_ _so_ _I'm_ _mostly_ _just_ _by_ _myself_ _and_ _left_ _to_ _my_ _own_ _thoughts!_ _I_ _just_ _wish_ _you_ _would_ _notice_ _me_ _,_ _I_ _just_ _know_ _we_ _would_ _be_ _close_ _friends_ _at_ _the_ _least_ _,_ _or_ _maybe_ _lovers_ _at_ _the_ _most_ _!_

_I_ _wish_ _I_ _could_ _talk_ _to_ _you_ _..._

_I_ _wish_ _I_ _could_ _do_ _more_ _than_ _talk_ _to_ _you_ _._

_If_ _you_ _were_ _here_ _right_ _now_ _,_ _I_ _would_ _probably_ _cuddle_ _into_ _your_ _side_ _while_ _we_ _watch_ _a_ _movie_ _or_ _something_ _..._ _Snuggled_ _up_ _tight_ _in_ _a_ _warm_ _,_ _fuzzy_ _blanket_ _,_ _only_ _warmer_ _because_ _I_ _w_ _ould_ _imagine_ _you're_ _always_ _warm_ _and_ _a_ _blanket_ _would_ _only_ _overheat_ _you_ _._ _You_ _would_ _probably_ _deal_ _with_ _it_ _until_ _you_ _couldn't_ _possibly_ _deal_ _with_ _it_ _anymore_ _and_ _bundle_ _me_ _up_ _in_ _the_ _entire_ _blanket_ _._

_Oh_ _who_ _am_ _I_ _kidding_ _,_ _you_ _probably_ _aren't_ _the_ _cuddling_ _type_ _,_ _or_ _sit_ _at_ _home_ _and_ _watch_ _movies_ _type_ _._ _Yet_ _again_ _,_ _I_ _also_ _don't_ _know_ _you_ _now,_ _do_ _I_ _?_ _After_ _all_ _,_ _the_ _only_ _conversations_ _we've_ _ever_ _had_ _are_ _all_ _in_ _my_ _head_ _!_

_Maybe_ _I_ _can_ _change_ _that_ _though_ _,_ _maybe_ _this_ _year_ _you'll_ _finally_ _notice_ _me_ _,_ _or_ _maybe_ _I'll_ _strike_ _up_ _enough_ _courage_ _to_ _actually_ _talk_ _to_ _you_ _!_

_Your_ _possible_ _friend_ _,_

_Castiel_ _James_ _Winchester_

Dean's heart broke and melted all at the same time. He would love to cuddle Castiel and watch a movie, he would overheat and give the blanket to Cass, he would probably even hold him tighter to still try and give him warmth. And it was clear to Dean now that he never really did any of that with Lisa. He never watched movies and cuddled her under a fuzzy blanket with her. So, why would he consider doing that with Castiel?

The answer was simple, but the damn fool couldn't figure it out just yet.


	22. 21.

**TW:**

**_Suicide_ ** **** **_note_ **

**_Mentionings_ ** **** **_of_ ** **_self-harm_ **

Already noticing the drastic change in the way Castiel's penmanship is, Dean isn't fully prepared for what he is about to read. The many tear stains smudging the ink. The short paragraphs and all too long ones. He frowns and reads the next paper.

_Nobody_ _will_ _listen_ _to_ _me_ _._

_Everybody_ _says_ _I'm_ _worthless_ _._ _I'm_ _going_ _to_ _Hell_ _for_ _liking_ _cock_ _._ _That_ _I_ _drove_ _our_ _mother_ _to_ _kill_ _herself, which I fear is true from her own words in her letter on the sink next to the tub where she killed herself_ _._

_They_ _call_ _me_ _a_ _freak_ _,_ _a_ _cock_ _lover_ _._

_Gabriel_ _,_ _why_ _can't_ _you_ _do_ _anything_ _?_

_I've_ _gone_ _to_ _you_ _over_ _a_ _trillion_ _times_ _and_ _you're_ _always_ _busy_ _with_ _homework_ _._

_Do_ _you_ _realize_ _how_ _much_ _it_ _hurts_ _?_ _How_ _many_ _beatings_ _I've_ _taken_ _,_ _slits_ _I've_ _made_ _in_ _my_ _wrists_ _,_ _arms_ _,_ _and_ _legs_ _?_ _The_ _pain_ _is_ _too_ _much_ _,_ _I_ _can't_ _deal_ _with_ _it_ _anymore!_

_They_ _say_ _just_ _end_ _it_ _already_ _,_ _to_ _just_ _give_ _up_ _and_ _tie_ _the_ _fucking_ _nuse_ _already_ _,_ _hang_ _myself_ _with_ _my_ _belt_ _and_ _just_ _die_ _already_ _._ _All_ _because_ _of_ _who_ _I_ _am_ _,_ _who_ _I_ _love_ _,_ _and_ _how_ _I_ _love_ _._

_Maybe_ _I_ _should_ _._

_Maybe_ _I'll_ _go_ _out_ _as_ _mom_ _did_ _..._ _After all,_ _she_ _did_ _want_ _me_ _to_ _follow_ _in_ _her_ _footsteps for so many years_ _._

_Everybody_ _hates_ _me_ _anyway_ _,_ _including_ _the_ _one_ _I_ _love, I'm sure of it. Why would Dean ever love me? How would a stunning star student ever even make time to consider even being my friend?_ _Nobody_ _will_ _miss_ _me_ _,_ _and_ _I_ _doubt_ _you'd_ _even_ _notice_ _if_ _I_ _were_ _to_ _go_ _missing_ _._

_Do_ _you_ _even_ _care_ _about_ _me_ _anymore_ _?_ _Do_ _you_ _even_ _love_ _me_ _as_ _your_ _brother_ _like_ _you_ _once_ _said_ _you_ _did_ _?_

_Gabe_ _,_ _I_ _just_ _can't_ _deal_ _with_ _the_ _constant_ _feeling_ _of_ _being_ _alone_ _,_ _being_ _hated_ _,_ _being_ _shoved_ _aside_ _like_ _the_ _vegetables_ _on_ _a_ _five-year-olds_ _plate_ _!_ _It is_ _all_ _too_ _clear_ _that_ _nobody_ _wants_ _me_ _around_ _!_ _You_ _sure_ _as_ _Hell_ _don't_ _anymore with the way you brush me off and ignore me_ _._

_I_ _just_ _wish_ _I_ _could_ _go_ _back_ _._ _Go_ _back_ _before_ _I_ _ever_ _came_ _out_ _,_ _when_ _I_ _was_ _in_ _the_ _forced_ _relationship_ _with_ _Meg_ _._ _When_ _Charlie_ _was_ _still_ _around_ _and_ _her_ _happy_ _self_ _,_ _when_ _mom_ _and_ _dad_ _didn't_ _fight_ _,_ _when_ _mom_ _was_ _still_ _alive_ _,_ _when_ _you_ _didn't_ _have_ _college..._ _when_ _everything_ _was_ _happy_ _._

_There's_ _no_ _more_ _hope_ _,_ _there's_ _no_ _more_ _happiness_ _._ _All_ _that's_ _left_ _is_ _pain_ _and_ _regret_ _._

_There's_ _too_ _much_ _loss_ _,_ _too_ _much_ _hatred_ _._

_I_ _can't_ _deal_ _with_ _this_ _pain_ _anymore_ _and_ _you_ _won't_ _even_ _listen_ _._

_I_ _am_ _invisible_ _._

_I_ _am_ _a_ _freak_ _._

_I_ _am_ _sick_ _._

_But_ _nobody_ _wants_ _to_ _help_ _._ _Nobody_ _cares_ _about_ _me_ _._ _Nobody_ _will_ _ever_ _miss_ _me_ _._

_As_ _my_ _dying_ _wish_ _,_ _if_ _there's_ _a_ _chance_ _you_ _can_ _save_ _me_ _._ _Don't_ _._ _I_ _don't_ _want_ _this_ _life_ _anymore_ _._ _I_ _want_ _to_ _feel_ _nothing_ _and_ _Death_ _is_ _my_ _only_ _friend_ _who_ _can_ _help_ _me_ _feel_ _nothing_ _._

_Just_ _leave_ _m_

Dean couldn't continue the last page and a half. His heart ached for Cas. This was something that he had truly never felt before, something was way different about these letters now. They meant something to him. When Dean first started reading these letters, it was like reading fan mail in a way, but now they meant everything to him. They made him laugh, made him cry... Hell, one of them made him harder than a diamond!

He wiped his tears away and shook his head, "Cas..." He breathed as he cried. He skimmed the note again, more tears rushing down his cheeks. He was a little afraid to go to the next letter, afraid it might be another or something like this.


	23. 22.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not quite sure what's going on with these chapters, but the refuse to be normal and keep over using spaces. it's annoying and I am yet again sorry for it. i don't know how to fix it

**TW** **:**

 **References** **to** **the** **last** **chapter** **.**

Dean looks at his alarm clock on his side table, 8:30. He had gone through so many of these letters and only a few hours had passed since he had started reading them.

 _September_ _18, 2012_

 _Dean_ _._

 _I've_ _made_ _a_ _mistake_ _._

 _A_ _terrible_ _mistake_ _._

 _I_ _am_ _sorry_ _._ _I_ _am_ _so_ _sorry_ _._

 _I_ _asked_ _Gabriel_ _to_ _let_ _me_ _die_ _if_ _there_ _was_ _a_ _chance_ _to_ _save_ _me_ _and_ _he_ _didn't_ _._ _You_ _got_ _there_ _first_ _. And_ _now_ _I_ _realize_ _that_ _it_ _was_ _a_ _mistake_ _and_ _I'm_ _sorry_ _for_ _putting_ _the_ _entire_ _school_ _in_ _shock_ _._

 _It's_ _truly_ _a_ _miracle_ _that_ _I_ _landed_ _in_ _the_ _untrimmed_ _brush_ _that_ _broken_ _my_ _fall_ _when_ _I_ _jumped_ _._

 _I..._ _the_ _last_ _things_ _I_ _saw_ _and_ _heard_ _before_ _passing_ _out_ _were_ _your_ _eyes and your voice. Your voice was_ _distant_ _but_ _urgent_ _,_ _frantic_ _as_ _you_ _told_ _me_ _to_ _stay_ _with_ _you_ _over_ _the_ _screaming_ _and_ _crying_ _crowd_ _of_ _Kansas_ _High_ _._

 _I_ _don't_ _understand_ _though_ _._ _Why_ _were_ _so_ _many_ _people_ _all_ _frantically_ _running_ _and_ _dialing_ _911_ _when_ _most_ _of_ _the_ _faces_ _I_ _saw_ _were_ _the_ _ones_ _who_ _told_ _me_ _to_ _do_ _it_ _?_ _Told_ _me_ _to_ _die_ _?_

 _I_ _remember_ _you_ _being_ _the_ _first_ _one_ _to_ _call_ _911,_ _the_ _first_ _one_ _to_ _instruct_ _people_ _on_ _what_ _to_ _do_ _._ _Maybe_ _perhaps_ _without_ _your_ _instructions,_ _I_ _would_ _be_ _dead_ _,_ _maybe_ _if_ _you_ _hadn't_ _been_ _the_ _one_ _to_ _race_ _over_ _first_ _I'd_ _be_ _gone_ _._

 _So_ _I_ _wanted_ _to_ _thank_ _you_ _._ _You_ _have_ _yet_ _again_ _saved_ _my_ _life_ _once_ _more_ _._ _You_ _always_ _do_ _._

 _Gabriel_ _says_ _I_ _won't_ _be_ _returning_ _to_ _school_ _anytime_ _soon after he read the note I left on his desk as he slept before going to school_ _._ _He_ _also_ _says_ _I'm_ _not_ _allowed_ _to_ _watch_ _the_ _episode_ _in_ _which_ _Sherlock_ _jumps_ _and_ _it_ _looks_ _to_ _be_ _the_ _end_ _of_ _him_ _._ _He_ _says_ _that's_ _where_ _I_ _got_ _the_ _idea_ _from_ _,_ _but_ _really_ _it_ _was_ _from_ _somebody_ _at_ _school_ _._

 _He's_ _signed_ _me_ _up_ _for_ _a_ _therapist_ _for_ _my_ _depression_ _and_ _to_ _get_ _my_ _head_ _straightened_ _out_ _._ _I_ _don't_ _want_ _to_ _go,_ _though_ _._ _I_ _just_ _want_ _to_ _see_ _your_ _face_ _,_ _so_ _happy_ _and_ _cheery_ _._ _I_ _want_ _to_ _hear_ _your_ _laugh_ _,_ _your_ _gruff_ _voice_ _._

 _I_ _want_ _to_ _be_ _with_ _you_ _._ _In_ _more_ _ways_ _than_ _one_ _._ _I_ _want_ _you_ _to_ _hold_ _me_ _carefully_ _like_ _you_ _did_ _while_ _I_ _was_ _on_ _the_ _ground_ _._ _I_ _want_ _you_ _to_ _hold_ _my_ _hand_ _tenderly_ _like_ _you_ _did_ _as_ _everything_ _started_ _going_ _gray_ _._ _I_ _want_ _you_ _to_ _call_ _my_ _name_ _so_ _softly_ _,_ _so_ _quietly, only_ _my_ _actual_ _name_ _and_ _not_ _Cassiel_ _._ _Only_ _I_ _want_ _to_ _be_ _fully_ _conscious_ _and_ _not_ _dying_ _in_ _your_ _arms_ _._

 _I_ _want_ _you_ _,_ _Dean_ _._ _Not_ _in_ _a_ _sexual_ _way_ _,_ _but_ _I_ _just_ _want_ _you_ _to_ _hold_ _me_ _,_ _make_ _me_ _feel_ _safe_ _,_ _warm_ _,_ _needed_ _,_ _and_ _loved_ _._ _I_ _want_ _you_ _to_ _want_ _me_ _in_ _that_ _way_ _also_ _,_ _and_ _I_ _just_ _..._ _I_ _want_ _you_ _,_ _Dean_ _Ross_ _Winchester_ _._

 _The_ _next_ _time_ _I_ _see_ _you_ _,_ _I'll_ _march_ _right_ _up_ _to_ _you_ _and_ _tell_ _you_ _everything_ _._ _I_ _swear_ _._ _I'll_ _confess_ _my_ _attraction,_ _I'll_ _kiss_ _you_ _in_ _front_ _of_ _everybody_ _if_ _its_ _the_ _last_ _thing_ _I_ _do_ _._ _I'll_ _face_ _my_ _fear_ _as_ _you_ _have_ _,_ _I'll_ _be_ _brave_ _like_ _you_ _are_ _._ _I'll_ _be_ _more_ _like_ _you_ _,_ _I'll_ _be_ _strong_ _,_ _I'll_ _be_ _everything_ _you_ _are_ _!_

 _I_ _fucking_ _love_ _you_ _,_ _and_ _I_ _am_ _so_ _sorry_ _for_ _what_ _I_ _did_ _!_

_-Castiel_

Dean smiled at the determination in the handwriting that belonged to this blue-eyed kid. This broken man who needed somebody to fix him, somebody to love him.

The more he read the letters, the more he fell for him, and the more he forgot about the Skype call he was going to do with Lisa that was supposed to be happening an hour or so ago. As his phone goes off, he ignores it and picks up the next letter.


	24. 23.

**TW:**

**Dean reflecting back to the day Castiel jumped.**

**Castiel bringing up how he is thankful for dean for saving him.**

As Dean reflects back on what Castiel had talked about in the last letter he began feeling the way he did when it all went down. He had watched the boy jump out of the window on the third floor of the school and he immediately raced over to him after he hit the bushes. He had recognized him as the boy he found in the bathroom, what was his name? Cassiel? he had thought to himself.

He cradled him the best he could without putting him in any more danger of dying, keeping him awake until the paramedics came, barking orders to people, telling them to stay calm. He was covered in blood from the gash and possible crack in the kid's forehead and oozing scrape on his cheek from where he hit the brick building on the way down and into the bushes. He had always wondered what had happened to him and if he had lived or not. "Awh, Cas!" He whispers as he skims the letter he had just read, "You're so important! You're so..." He breathes a sighing laugh, "You silly fool!" He smiles sadly and shakes his head before putting the letter down for the last time and moving onto the other.

_September 25, 2012_

_Dear Dean,_

_After a vast amount of arguing with Gabriel, he has selected days in which I can go and collect my assignments and turn them in since he cannot homeschool me. Because of this, I can see you briefly as I go about and collect my homework and school work._

_Today was one of those days. I thought about going up to you and kissing you as a gratitude for my thanks as you have saved me again. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be writing this letter._

_Though I thought about going over and kissing you, I saw you with your friends, some of which have told me to take my own life for liking men, and decided against it. I saw you laughing and having a good time with them though. I love your laugh. Your full-body laugh, the ones you throw yourself into, clutching at your stomach as you lean back with your head. Every time you do it I feel all warm inside, and someday I wish to be the reason you laugh like that, with your entire being._

_I should have at least said something, but every time I find the courage to talk to you, I take one look into your eyes and I can't speak! I get all choked up on this warm feeling every time I see your face and I lose my breath and I can hardly think straight! Not that I ever could before_

Dean chuckles at Castiel joking about his sexuality as he gets a warm feeling as he imagines the fierce blush on Castiel's face as he writes his feelings down for him. So pure, so innocent and cute.

_but, Dean. I... You just make me so happy and overjoyed and I just have too many things to say all at once and I can't think of any when our eyes meet! Especially when you smile or laugh, all concentration on trying to figure out what to say to strike up a conversation with you flies directly out the window, and I am left tongue-tied and silent. Sometimes I fear I may never be able to even say a simple "Hi" to you!_

_Though I have tried to hide my feelings for you, it is no secret anymore as I tend to stare at you for long periods of time and it isn't long before people start catching on. But I just can't help it, you are truly beautiful and mesmerizing._

_You make me feel all warm and fuzzy and bubbly, Dean. I can't sit still when you look at me and we make eye contact, I can't get you out of my mind, all I can ever think about I how it would be like to know you, to cuddle you, to be intimate with you. How it would be like to fall asleep in your arms, my head buried in your chest so I can inhale the deep woodsy, auto shop, cologne scent. You drive me crazy sometimes, Dean. And I will never love somebody as much as I love you. I will wait for an eternity for you, and if we do not end up together in this life, then I will find you in the next and we shall be together._

_I love you so much, Dean._

_-Castiel James_

Dean smiled softly at the letter. He was falling harder and harder for Cas with each and every letter he read. He wanted nothing more but to kiss him now, in front of all his homophobic "friends". He wanted to cuddle him close so he could breathe in Castiel's scent and kiss him endlessly. He wanted to be intimate, he wanted to be as domestic as he possibly could.

Dean himself felt all warm and happy and bubbly as he thought about doing all those things with Castiel, cuddling, kissing, making love. He wanted to be able to pull him close right now and just curl up with him and sleep.

With a happy and content sigh, he moves onto the next letter, blushing as he reads a few selected words as he skims over it.


	25. 24.

Feeling himself grow thick and heavy reading the detailed letter of Castiel's dream, Dean knows there's no fighting this one. There's no waiting this one out, especially when he imagines Castiel riding him as he said he had in the dream.

Dean traces his hand down his body and pops the button on his jeans. He slides the zipper down, groaning at the slight vibration it gives as the teeth come apart. He scoots his pants down to give himself room as he removes himself from the tight fabric of his black briefs, quickly getting to work.

_I moan as your hands move lightly from my hips up my sides, your thumbs rubbing at sensitive buds of my nipples_

Dean bites his lip as he imagines what Castiel would sound like, look like, as he moaned, thrusting down onto him. He whimpers and licks his lips, his hand moving at a fast set pace. Dean pauses briefly to reach for the lotion sitting on his side table, pumping out just enough to provide a smooth slick. He breathes heavily as he presses his thumb into his slit, reading the words on the page.

_You cry my name, Dean, a hoarse Castiel! as I clench around you and slow my pace further. You beg me to go faster, to give you relief. You bucked your hips into me but couldn't get enough friction, letting out an annoyed, pleasured groan_

Dean is playing along now, slowing his movements to a teasing pace and tightening his grip. "Fuck, Cas!" Dean groans quietly, his voice breathy and shaky. He can feel his orgasm building in his core, bubbly and hot. "Sh-shit! Oh, fuck!" His voice is a bit louder, but not loud enough for his neighboring brother to hear.

Dean quits the slow, teasing pace and picks up a much faster one. His mind wanders to how Castiel would look sitting on top of him, panting as he rides Dean. He focuses on how he would sound; would he be noisy or quiet? Would he use profanity or cut himself short when he is about to say it? Dean arches his back as he pictures Castiel being a noisy bottom in charge. The nerdy-looking dude who'd you swear up and down wouldn't ever use such foul language or do such a thing like this, cursing and mewling like a cat in heat as he angles himself to hit his prostate over and over, loving the way he's being stretched out. Dean runs a hand up his body, tweaking and teasing one of his nipples, fantasizing it was Castiel's plush lips and white teeth and soft tongue teasing it.

His breathing is heavy now, the air seems hot and thick as he continues to read the dream. His hand twists and tugs at his oozing cock, his thumb and pointer finger playing with his dripping head once in a while, his back arching off the wall he is leaning against. He bites down on his lip hard as he feels the familiar and intense heat begin to radiate from his core

_With a heavy breath and a soft call of our names, we cum. Panting heavily with every spurt, your seed paints my insides, you keep calling my name, Cas! Cas! Cas! Like its a ritual chant, sacred and praisable._

With a sharp inhale of breath, Dean grabs some tissues from his nightstand as the first drop presents itself. He groans softly and pants hard, catching almost every spurt of cum with the tissues.

_I fall onto you, into your strong arms I imagine you have with all the football training you do. We catch our breath, my face buried in your neck and you still buried inside me. You kiss my sweat slickened shoulder and whisper a barely audible I love you into it._

_I know these dreams are just dreams, Dean. But it's where I'm most happy. It's really the only time I'm happy._

_I love you too, Dean,_

_Castiel_


	26. 25.

Cleaning up what he had failed to get on the tissues, Dean shakes his head after he's done and blushes. He couldn't believe he had just jerked off to a letter about Castiel's sex dream. He throws the used tissues into the bin by his bed and settles back down on his mattress.

_October 3, 2012_

_Dean._

_I am sorry to inform you that Gabriel has to move for work. Not that you'd care, or will ever see this letter. He can no longer pay for his college tuition and has been offered a job in some town in South Dakota. There he will work on cars and start a college fund. Right after he pays off his student loans._

_I hear it's nice there. The people are nice. But will my new classmates be the same as the ones here in Kansas? Will they hate me for being gay? I don't really want to go, but really the only thing I'd be staying for is our nonexistent relationship. The thing I've made up in my head to escape the pain of the real world; replacing it with one where we are together, wandering the halls and everybody stops picking on me because I am dating somebody who will kick their rear posterior if I am made unhappy or hurt by somebody. I love this small world I've created. I would hate to see it go because I have to move and forget how your voice sounds from not being able to hear it once in a while._

_I'll come in tomorrow, say my goodbyes to the teachers who actually like me. Maybe you'll notice me then. Ask me where I'm going, why I'm moving. But you probably won't. You never acknowledge me._

_I love you, Dean, but all good things must come to an end. I'll come back for you, my love. Promise._

_Cas_

Though any rational person would feel a bit uneasy, Dean felt... Well, he didn't know how he felt, but it wasn't uneasy. He smiled at the short goodbye letter Castiel had written before he moves on to the next one.


	27. 26.

As Dean thought back on how Castiel said Gabriel got a job in South Dakota at an Auto shop, things click into place a bit. He had remembered working from time to time on cars and trucks and sometimes bikes with a blond man named Gabriel.

_October 12, 2012_

_Dean,_

_Since Gabriel cannot necessarily afford a place for us to stay, his boss, Robert Singer, or as he prefers, Bobby Singer, has let us stay in his place after he had found Gabriel and I had taken to the car for shelter. Gabriel also got an increase in his paycheck so he could raise me, feed both of us, and clothe both of us, and also be able to pay rent when he finds an apartment._

_I very much like it here, although I never get to see you or hear your voice anymore in the hallways at school. Everybody here is nice, and I made a new friend. His name is Alfie. He is nice. You'd like him. He's pansexual, meaning he goes by somebody's personality rather than their body parts. I also like his partner, I've talked to them a couple of times, they're very kind._

_Gabriel says that since I have new friends, I can stop writing to you, especially since you're never going to get to actually read these. But writing to you makes me happy! It brings me a sense of security, nothing Alfie or his partner can bring me. I will never stop wri_

The letter has a break in it and it continues onto something new written in different ink.

_Gabriel has forced me to stop writing these letters, and to make sure I don't continue, he has forced me to work with him. And you._

_You probably only remember me as the kid who hands you things when you're under cars, working up a sweat as you fix the problem. Or the bashful shy kid who couldn't even say his name right and whose brother didn't correct him and went along with it as to not embarrass him. (I'm not James. James is my middle name, and Jimmy is the incorrect nickname)._

_I can't fit into words to begin to describe your beauty as you work. The black oil covering you in random places, the sweat shows you've been working hard. The face you make when you're hunched over and elbows deep in an engine, concentrating hard on the task at hand. The dazzling smile you give as a thanks as I hand you stuff. Your full-bodied laugh as I only make a few squeaks as I try to speak but no words come out. I will never forget your laugh._

_I will never forget the way you called me cute when you thought I was out of earshot, and Gabriel's knowing laugh, as I scurried away to help Bobby with something._

_I will never forget how you offered half of your sandwich when I had forgotten to make my own lunch that morning. I refused because you already give me so much. Not that you know it, but you do._

_I will never forget how you tried to get me to talk, but I would only grow bright red and look at the floor._

_The weekends have become my favorite, and Gabriel always makes fun of me for it. He always teases me about how cowardly I am for not "manning up and finally taking the chance I've been waiting for since eighth grade". For not "taking a moment and getting to know the actual you", and not "making the first move". Well, not in those exact words, but I thought I'd clean his words up from all the foul language._

_I will someday, but not today. Today I will just watch you work and blush at the eye contact we make._

_I will talk to you one day,_

_-The Cutie Who Makes The Cutest Noises And Who Has The Cutest Blushing Face You've Ever Seen_

Dean smiles and mentally slaps himself for not remembering "James". How could he have forgotten all the times he laughed at the small noises he made? How could he have forgotten his small crush on the cutest boy he'd ever met? How did he not recognize him at all? After all, he had saved the boy's life! _Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!_ Dean shakes his head. He was thoroughly disappointed in himself. With a hand running down his face, and a groaning sigh slipping through his lips, Dean moves on to the next letter.


	28. 27.

Dean looked over the next letter and then to his clock. It was getting pretty late, but he couldn't set the letters down. He couldn't help but feel uneasy as one question rattled around his head and another that chased after it: If he keeps saying that I'll never get these... What changed his mind? And why did he look so distressed as he walked away from his locker?

Pushing the thought aside and finding another fantasy of the boy's, he flips through until he finds one that doesn't seem like a jotted down dream.

_October 31, 2012_

_Boo!_

_Did I scare you? Probably not for this is only a letter, but, happy Halloween, Dean!_

_I haven't seen you in a while, and maybe it's for the best. Since you've been gone the... Dreams... Have subsided, which is a good thing. They were distracting me from my schooling._

_Anyway, tonight is Halloween, and Alfie and I are going to meet up with his partner later. Alfie says he knows where all the teen-friendly houses are and says that most of them give out the full-sized bars! He also says hi. Even though he knows these letters are never going to reach you._

Dean worries his bottom lip between his teeth as the words come up again.

_He thinks it's sweet that I write to you often, and a little creepy; but that's only because he found one of the... special... ones that nobody is supposed to see._

_Alfie never judges me. He thinks it's cute that I have a huge crush on the football captain from my old school. He didn't even think twice when he found the photos I took when you weren't looking, or when you were under cars. It's only five or six pictures in all honesty, plus the one you took of us. That one is my phone's background. I'll never forget the first self-portrait you took off us, how you laughed at my confused face in it, and how you argued that it was cute when I squeaked out a short 'delete it!'. I cropped myself out of that one, the second one you took is my background, blushing face and all with your arm wrapped around my shoulders, your head pressed firmly against mine, and your soft smile. I still liked the original, I'm not sure why you put a filter thing on it, but it's my background regardless._

_I still don't understand the purpose of a self-portrait, but it's nice. And maybe one day I'll get the nerve to call or even text the number you added to my phone afterward. I won't ever forget the eagerness in you as you added the number, your thumbs racing across the keyboard. You never did ask me for mine. Maybe you thought that I'd text you by now. And I have, but, I never sent them. I never have the nerve._

_Alfie says I should text you before he does it for me... But, I don't know... I'm pretty sure you wouldn't want to talk to me... I'm not that interesting, I'm not even sure why you wanted to try and get me to talk. What would I have even said? "Hello, Dean. I've been writing letters to you since last year, and I'm madly in love with you?" I don't think so. You'd find me creepy or something._

_Maybe one of these days I'll text you_

_Castiel J. Novak_

Holy. Shit. Dean couldn't believe he had forgotten that precious memory! He had taken Castiel's phone from his hands and snapped a few quick selfie as soon as he got his attention with a quick 'Jimmy! Smile!'. The look on his face was too cute too handle and the noise he made before telling him to delete it was practically illegal! Castiel was the cutest, most precious thing in the world and Dean tried desperately to get his attention, desperately trying to get him to talk to him! He knew the feeling of just wanting to be noticed by the person he was interested in. He even added his phone number into the kid's phone in hopes he'd talk to him that way. But it never worked and his small crush was crushed as he started to believe he wasn't interested and never would be.

Dean blushed at how foolish he was to have let Jimmy go. To lie to his uncle Bobby that he had to much school work now and couldn't come in when, in actuality, he was just hurt that Jimmy- Cas- never showed the same interest in him as he had for him. He hit the palm of his hand to his forehead, muttering about how stupid he was before moving on to the next letter.


	29. 28.

The more Dean thought about the weekends he worked at Bobby's, the more memories came back to him. Old feelings sparked back to life and flourished into something big.

He laughed and giggled at the mindless flirting that made Castiel blush and turn away. Just a simple act of commenting on how cute he looked in the long tan coat he wears would turn him into a blushing mess. Even saying how cute he looked when he blushed, he would smile as Castiel's face would redden even further.

But there was one memory that he now held dear to him that came back at a fast pace. One that he couldn't even begin to justify himself for forgetting. One that made him smile and blush.

_Dean had gone back for an entire week to earn some cash, and maybe even get a conversation out of Jimmy -Cas-. He had gone back with his hopes up, after all, the day before Thanksgiving break Lisa and him had gotten into a huge fight and they had broken up. Dean was hurting, and he only wanted to talk to one person, even if they never talked back._

_Castiel would wander into the garage and over to the workbench next to Dean every morning and sit on it. Dean could feel him staring at him, watching every move he took._

_One day, as he worked the last remaining bolt off the engine he was trying to fix, he had smiled and looked over at Castiel with a quirked eyebrow, "You know, it's impolite to stare..." He said with a flirtatious smirk. He watched as a blush crept up the boy's neck and painted his cheeks. Dean chuckled and sat the tool down before walking over to Cas, his heart beating in his chest as his stomach did flips. "Are you ever gonna talk to me?" He asked as he sat up onto the bench next to Cas._

_"Uhh..." Castiel managed to squeak out, "N-no..." He looked away from Dean at their dangling feet._

_"Why not?" Dean prodded, wanting to try and get somewhat of a conversation out of him. Castiel only shrugged, not looking back up. "C'mon, dude! We've known each other for a while now, I'm not a stranger! Why won't you talk to me?" He nudged Castiel who let out a squeak at the contact. Dean smiled at how cute and overly shy this guy was, he didn't think anybody could actually be this cute._

_"I..." Castiel shook his head and looked up at Dean. He blushed as Dean put his hand on his that was resting between them and looked at him expectantly. But nothing else came._

_"Jimmy, look... I like you, okay? And it would mean a lot to just know if we're even friends!" Castiel's face burned a fierce red, "I'm not going to make fun of you, or laugh at you if that's what you're afraid of!" Dean's voice was softer now, caring and loving. He took Castiel's hand into his._

_"Dean!" Castiel squeaked in surprise._

_"Just... Please, talk to me?" He urged, stroking Castiel's thumb with his own and watching as Castiel grew redder by the second._

_"I-I c-can't... I..." Castiel stuttered out, "Y-yo-you won't like m-m-me... If-if I talk..." Dean laughed a little._

_"Of course I'll like you, Jimmy! Why wouldn't I?" Castiel only shook his head and looked away. Dean put a gentle hand on the boy's jaw and turned his head when he heard him sniffle, "James? Why are you crying?" He asked in concern as he thumbed at a rolling tear._

_"I-I'm j-just... I'm h-happy, I suppose." Castiel sighs as more tears roll down his face. They stare into each other's eyes, neither knowing what to say. Dean was confused as to why he was so happy; what on earth could make this kid so happy that he actually cried? He was so mysterious and cute, and fuck, he might have actually been falling in love with him. In an act of what seemed like the right thing to do in a moment like this, he leaned in and kissed him. His lips were soft against his own and it took a second before Castiel kissed back and relaxed into it. Castiel let out an involuntary moan as Dean's hand went from his jaw and buried itself into his black locks and sweet Jesus, that noise went straight to Dean's groin. He cherished the soft noise, replayed it in his head like his new favorite song. He tugged another out of the boy as he pulled lightly on his hair._

_Dean couldn't help it, he had fantasized about this for as long as he'd been trying to get his attention, and now that he had it, his hormones burst and took over. He kissed along the boy's smooth jawline, "Is this okay? Are you okay with this?" He asked over and over as he began kissing his neck, getting moans in return._

_"No, this is not okay! I am not okay with this, you boys need to get back to work and not soil my garage with teen hormones!" Bobby's voice ripped them apart, Dean jumping to the floor and facing a smiling and head-shaking Bobby._

_"Sorry, Bobby." They both mumbled before he walked away. Dean looked up at Castiel, "Are you gonna talk to me now?" Castiel blushed and shrugged, Dean let out a sigh._

Dean smiled to himself, fond of the memory. He touches his lips, the pads of his fingers brushing lightly over the smooth, plump flesh. He smiles and shakes his head before reading the letter he had left off on.


	30. 29.

_November 28, 2012_

_Dean,_

_Its been a while since I've written to you last. I've been busy with Alfie, but you already know that from Gabe. It's also been a while after the kiss... I can't stop thinking about it, about you. About the way you held my jaw so gently, how you were so concerned about me because I was crying. I can't stop thinking about how right it felt to have your lips on mine. How warm your lips were, how soft they were. I can't stop thinking about how musky you smelled, with your cologne and the smell of gas and oil. Your scent is calming, and it still lingers on my coat._

_I probably sound so stupid, admitting to how I can't stop thinking about a silly little kiss. But it's true._

_God, I can still feel your gentle hand carding through my hair, the gentle pulls at my hair, and small knots getting caught and undone by your fingers._

_If only you knew how much it meant to me..._

_To you, it was probably just another kiss... But to me... To me, it was everything I'd ever wanted for a long time, something I've wanted since 8th grade. Maybe not quite as intense as where it was leading, but it was something I'd most definitely be okay with doing again if you ever want to._

_Who am I kidding? A shy dork like me never gets the guy in the end. You'll probably patch things up with Lisa. After all, if we did enter a relationship, it will be long-distance, and I'd never talk to you on the phone. How could I when I can't even talk to you in person without stuttering all over the place from my severe anxiety?_

_Maybe its best this way. Just watching you, and, longing to talk to you. I know I said before that we'd be the best of friends, but, maybe, just maybe, it's in another life. A life where I am able to hold a conversation with you and be able to tell you how I feel without having to write it down in letters you'll never get._

_I have to go now, Alfie is waiting for me... By the way, Dean... You left a bruise on my neck and it's been nearly a week. Alfie and Gabriel keep saying we did stuff, and won't believe me when I tell them that you only got as far as kissing my neck. They say with a claiming bruise like this, there's no way we didn't go any further..._

_Hit me up again sometime, I wouldn't mind,_

_Castiel_

Dean blushed. He hadn't known that he had given him a hickey! He laughed a little bit, a soft snicker of pride. He promised himself that if he saw Castiel in the hallway, he would kiss him just as softly as he did the first time, only no heat, just soft, gentle, caring, and loving.

But before he did, he would have to end things with Lisa. Especially now since almost all his feelings for her had vanished and were pined on a shy, blue-eyed dork in a tan trenchcoat.


	31. 30.

_January 2, 2013_

_Dean,_

~~_I haven't written to you in ag_ ~~

~~I~~

Yet another strikethrough. Dean bites his lip and worries that it might be another dark note.

_It's been a year since I've written to you. Not really, but it seems like it, and the year has changed._

_I just don't feel the need to write you, not when I see you on the weekends and get to hear your voice as you try to talk to me and get me to talk._

_Gabe and I have moved out of Bobby's. He's helping us move into a cheap but homey apartment._

_He says that you're back with Lisa... Again..._

_And the reason being is that I seemingly turned you down. But, I had no choice! It wouldn't work between us because I know so much about you, and you don't even know my name! And it certainly wouldn't work when I'm so anxiety-filled and nervous around you that I can't even speak a full sentence without stuttering._

_I didn't want to turn you down, if you had just kissed me again... Maybe it would have settled a lot of things... Maybe we could have actually been together... But... Maybe not... After all, you were hurting and upset that you broke up with Lisa, so that kiss was technically a rebound._

_You had said that you liked me, and while that makes me all tingly inside, you hardly know enough of me, I feel, for you to have a full opinion of me... I do love you, Dean, and I would give anything to be with you, but I just... I can't._

_I have to get going soon, I promised Alfie I would meet him at the diner for lunch._

_I guess this is really farewell. I'm busy all the time, and I see you at work anyways._

_Goodbye, Dean_

_Castiel Novak_

Dean frowned after reading the letter. He had thought about taking 'Jimmy' on a date while being apart from Lisa but never acted on it because he thought it would weird him out, especially since they had only kissed with fire coursing through their veins, a wet and passionate kiss that was full of lust. He thought that 'Jimmy' would only think it was to get into his pants, and, he also didn't want to ruin what weird and unlikely friendship they had if the date didn't turn out good. He should have though. Maybe if he did, he would be in a more joyful relationship. Maybe he would be in a relationship that he could be himself in, and be understood! But he had settled for less when he thought 'Jimmy' didn't like him as much as he had liked him.

With a sigh, he moves onto the next letter.


	32. 31.

With a frown from the partial goodbye letter, Dean looks at the clock. It was nearly time for one of his favorite shows to come on. He knew he was going to miss it, he couldn't just turn away from Castiel's practical high school life story! He was fully invested now, with his letters bringing up memories of the past. Things he'd sworn that he'd never forget and ended up forgetting them anyway! With a sigh over missing his show, he begins the next letter.

_January 24, 2013_

_Happy birthday, my love,_

_I haven't seen you at work in a while. I hope all is well._

_I'm doing alright... Though, Alfie and I got into a fight because his partner got drunk and kissed me at a New Year's party a while back. I feel bad for Alfie because after the drunk kiss, and our fight, they've been in fights a lot. I can hear them in the hallways at school._

_I'm not actually doing alright. Alfie is really mad at me. Somehow it is my fault that his partner kissed me. I didn't even kiss back! I don't understand!_

_I guess my father was right. I do break everything I touch. I've somehow driven Alfie away because of something his own lover did, I completely fucked up our friendship! And maybe I've even driven you away! I haven't seen you in weeks, Dean... Where are you? Did I do something wrong? Why aren't you coming into work anymore? Do you hate me?_

_I shouldn't bear such news about my life at this current state, or bury you in so many questions on your birthday. I'm sorry, I am so sorry._

_I hope you have a good day today. I hope the wish you made on the candles you blew out comes true. I hope one day I'll get to celebrate it with you; together as a couple._

_I love you, darling, happy birthday,_

_Cas_

Dean's frown increased. Castiel hadn't driven him away, he was just up to his head in homework. He hadn't abandoned for late shifts at Bobby's! He wanted so badly to go back in time and stop any of this from happening, just go back and forget about Lisa. He wishes he could just go back in time and make sure Castiel is loved and safe! He would march right up to him and say how he feels about him, he would tell him that everything is going to be okay and he won't let anybody hurt him! Things would be different. Castiel would be happy and he would protect him and love him with his entire being!

He looked at the clock again and it was a minute after his show had started. He looked at his T.V. and back to the letters in his hand. He couldn't just abandon the letters, he needed to find out more! He sets the recently read letter down and looks over the next.


	33. 32.

_February 14, 2013_

_My love,_

_I truly hope you're spending this day with somebody you love. I hope you spend it with somebody who makes you happy._

_I hope that one day we can spend Valentine's Day together. Just curl up on the couch under a blanket in our pajamas and watch some sappy love movies, even though you don't like them and complain about them every time Lisa makes you see them with her._

_Maybe later today, at work, I'll muster up the courage and ask you on a date. I know you're dating Lisa, but I can see through that fake smile of yours. You're not happy in the relationship with her._

_You don't have to go on a date with me today, we could plan one! Like in the movies! Only behind your girlfriend's back... Unless you want to leave her... You don't have to leave her for me. I'm sure she can please you in more ways than I ever could..._

_But, you do deserve to be happy, Dean. You deserve the world. You don't need to be in a relationship with somebody that doesn't make you happy. You don't need somebody who doesn't support you._

_I could make you happy... I could be your support! It's all I can do since you've unknowingly been my support for years._

_Be my valentine?_

_-Castiel Winchester_

Dean smiled and blushed. There was something about this letter that was so caring, so loving, he couldn't help but smile like a damn fool. Nobody beside his family had told him that he deserved to be happy, or be in a relationship that made him happy!

He wished Castiel had asked him out on a date. His date with Lisa after work ended in a fight. They had fought off and on for months afterward, and broken up at least twice, but, only for a short while. He wasn't happy with his relationship back then, and he really wasn't now. Sure he loved Lisa, but reading these letters, he knew he had somebody out there who loves him more than she does. Somebody who could give as much as he took.

Dean knew in this moment that there was a potential two-sided relationship out there somewhere in Lawrence Kansas, waiting for him with open arms and a sad story to tell that will end up with a happy ending if its the last thing Dean does. The only thing standing in the way of it is Lisa now.

With a bit of anxiety running through him, he picks up his phone and ends their relationship one last time.


	34. 33.

As Dean ignores Lisa's calls and texts demanding a reason and pleading not to leave her, he moves on to the next letter.

_March 8, 2013_

_Dean,_

_Things are turning out okay for a change!_

_Gabriel headed off to the all paid mechanic schooling Bobby is making him do, he also told Bobby I have to stay with him. Gabe told him to keep an eye on me... He told Bobby everything..._

_I asked Bobby not to tell you anything. I don't want you to know how bad my life was before we moved here. It's partially why I don't give you these letters. The other reason I won't ever let these letters be seen by you is that every time I even think about giving you them, I get really bad anxiety. You'd probably think I was a freak or a stalker or something._

_Bobby stuck me in your brother Sam's room. I'm not allowed to shut my door for safety reasons. He checks my room for anything I can use to cut with, he holds all the shaving razors and knives in the house captive, and he locked the medicine cabinet along with the liquor cabinet. I know he has reason to, but it still seems like a bit much._

_He always checks on me, he always asks how I'm doing, how was school, etc, etc. He's like the caring father I never had, and I'm grateful for it. He is so nice and caring. I think I may ask Gabriel if I could stay with Bobby so he doesn't have to constantly worry about me. Bobby has already offered up Sam's room, and he says he'd even get a bunk to stick in Sam's room for when you and Sam spend the summer here. He also teased me and said he could stick it in your room, and he laughed as I blushed and mumbled for him not to._

_I really like it here at Bobby's, its the happiest home I've been in since before I came out, and even then it wasn't this happy._

_If I am to stay here, I must find a good hiding place for these letters. I wouldn't want you, or Sam, to stumble upon them and get freaked out by them._

_Forever too shy and anxiety-filled,_

_~Cas J. Winchester_

Dean smiles and chuckles a bit. He wouldn't find him a freak or a stalker if he stumbled upon the letters by accident! He'd be a bit uneasy about it, but, after some explanation, he would be fine. He would comfort Castiel, he would tell him what he wants to tell him right now! _"_ _Why didn't you come to me sooner, you goof!"_ He would kiss him, he would hug and cuddle him. He would do everything in his power to make up for the years he didn't know Castiel!

After Dean's thoughts clear of what possible scenarios would happen if he found the letters, he remembered one small detail. Castiel was never there in the summer. 'Jimmy' had stopped coming to work, and every time he asked Bobby where he was, he said he didn't know, or that he would tell him later. Dean gulps as he flips to the next letter, his mouth becoming dry as he spots the first drop of dried blood.


	35. 34.

**_TW_ ** **_:_ **

**_Mentionings_ ** **** **_of_ ** **** **_self-_ ** **_harm_ **

**_Child_ ** **** **_abuse_ **

**_SUICIDAL THOUGHTS_ **

_June 1, 2013_

_Dean._

_My father found me._

_He and Bobby argued for hours, and it seemed like Bobby had won... But then my dad got lawful._

_I'm only 15, and Gabriel can't fully adopt me because my father is alive and still has rights to me._

_I feel bad. I feel awful. I can't see you, he won't allow me to go to school after finding all the letters to you. He's taken them away, shredded them, but I've gotten most of them back before he had the chance to shred them. He says that this is "unnatural". That I am "crazy for writing to you". He read over the one where I talked about the kiss... One of the many fond memories I replay in my mind... He told me we're both going to Hell and other things I choose not to repeat as he beat me._

_I hate myself. If I had just gathered the courage to talk to you... If I had made you notice me sooner, I wouldn't be in this situation. I wouldn't have to hear how much of a "piece of fag shit" I am. How I am "going to Hell for being a dirty little cocksucker"._

_Everything hurts, Dean. Not just mentally, but physically too. He beats me nightly, he says he's beating the gay out of me. But it's not working, and clearly not really his intentions._

_Whatever his intentions actually are, they hurt. They leave mental and physical scars._

_The mental wounds are the worst. They echo and whisper to me at night._

_I don't know why, but I just want to please him, make him happy, but no matter what I do or say, I end up hurt or unconscious._

_I would have expected you to call, but I remember the choice I made before leaving. I have asked Bobby to cover for me. I don't want you in this mess. I know the type of person you are, I know that if you were to know what has happened to me, you would come looking for me. I don't want you to get hurt._

_I'm truly not okay, Dean. My father still blames me for my mother's death. For their already broken marriage disintegrating. He's always bringing it up, he's always angry about it. He drinks to forget, but it just makes it worse... I guess that's where I got it from._

_My arms hurt all the time, and from the current blood oozing through the bandages and onto the paper, you can take a wild guess why. I should write this on a fresh sheet after the blood stops, but what's the point? I'll never get to give these to you anyway. Not with my father blocking me from even seeing the light of day._

_What's the point of living? Everything good that happens to me ends up going sour. It ends up leaving me feeling numb. I was so stupid to believe that for once, just this once, everything would be okay. That I would be able to open up to you, and we could actually fall in love... That I could ever have a shot of a happy, normal life with you... But all I am left with now is the ghost of your lips against my own, trailing down my neck, and the sharpness of your teeth nibbling my flesh out of pure hormonal instinct. I don't even think you realized you were nipping at my neck!_

_I'm not okay, Dean. My father beats me until I'm numb to the pain, he yells horrid things at me until I'm numb to the pain of his words. The only thing real I can focus on is the sweet memory of our first kiss and the bite of the metal against my skin._

_It looks as if we may never see each other for a while, my love. I'm sorry I had to leave your life so abruptly, but if I didn't, Bobby would have been in legal trouble. There is no more hope for me. I am to rot here, being beaten and yelled at by my father, with the only escape being a metal blade, or the memory I will always treasure._

_Don't wait up for me_

_-Cas_

Dean had to bite his lip and remember that he had seen Castiel this morning. That something good had happened during the years, that he was still alive and well.

But why was he there? Why give these letters to him after repeating how he will never give them to him? Why didn't he stop when he called out to him? Dean sighs and shakes his head to clear his thoughts. He decided to skim the next few letters to see how his life progressed after this letter. There were more than a few suicide notes, more letters with blood on them. His eyes filled with tears as he read over the letters with bloodstains. He sighed and wiped away the tears that blurred his vision.

Castiel's father was one royal douche canoe. Dean felt this hot anger rush through him as he thought about Castiel being beaten and being screamed at for being gay and being blamed for things he had no control over. Dean mentally told Cas that if he ever ran into the guy, he would personally beat his ass for him.


	36. 35.

**TW:**

****Mentionings** **of** **self-** **harm** **

****Hints** **at** **suicide** **

_August 18, 2013_

_Dean,_

_Gabriel did it._

_Gabriel got custody of me._

_After these months of fighting for my safety, my mental health, everything, he finally got me. I am to have no further interactions with James after I've gathered all my belongings with cop supervision._

_Gabriel and I are moving back so he can continue to work for Bobby._

_But I will not be returning to work. I cannot possibly deal with the questions you surely have. I can't answer the questions about the deep scars and scabs on my wrists and arms, or the small amount left of rope burn on my neck. You wouldn't take the truth well. I know you well enough now. You would try to fix everything, but you can't fix something that is beyond repair._

_The most important thing is, Dean, that I am home. I am doing better. Gabriel says I'm smiling more, now that I am out of the tight, degrading grasp James had on me. He says that I am doing better and better each day and that he'll never let anything like this happen again. I like it here in Sioux Falls I get to see Alfie again, and his partner. I get to see my friends again, my only friends beside you._

_Maybe I'll show up again at work someday,_

_Castiel Winchester_

Dean sighed in relief, at least he knows Castiel is out of his father's grip. But he still can't shake the feeling he's getting. Why would Cas give him these letters now? Sure, it could be a last-minute bravery thing, but Castiel looked so... Broken... Defeated...

He skims over more letters, they're happier, joyful even. The rest of his school years seem fine, so why would he look the way he did? Skimming through even more, he finds a letter he isn't quite ready to read. And judging by the date and sloppy handwriting, it happened fairly recently and Castiel wasn't taking it so well.


	37. 36.

Worrying his bottom lip between his teeth and ripping some of the chapped skin off of it, Dean reads over the letter in his hand and makes a face at the faint stale alcohol smell.

_April 17, 2016_

_Dean._

_He's gone._

_Alfie is gone._

_This is the second friend I've lost. I won't ever make another. I refuse to go through this numbing heartache of loss from here on out. As much as I want to comfort his love, I can't. It would only bring us closer, and by the looks of things, everybody who gets close to me dies in a tragic way. Charlie was shot in an attempt of suicide and was successful. Alfie was stabbed to death in a mugging. Who knows what could happen to Zak!_

_Life is a cruel game we have to play. It's full of hope and happiness and then, just as everything seems fine, the rug is ripped right out from under you. It's_

Dean groans as he finds the letter unfinished. He has a feeling that he passed out drunk in the middle of writing it.

He can tell how hurt and lost Castiel was when he wrote this. And it happened only a couple of months ago, so he would still be hurting, but, not as bad.

All Dean wants to do right now is hug Castiel, be there for him, comfort him... Cover him in kisses from head to toe. He wants to praise him for his courage and scold him a bit for his silly choices. He just wants to make him feel loved, wanted, safe, and happy. He flips to the next letter and shakes his head sadly.


	38. 37.

_April 18, 2016_

_Dean,_

_Gabriel has put me on medication for my depression._

_It only seems to make things worse. I've tried to tell him, but he says I am only making excuses not to take them because he knows how I feel about medications._

_But I'm telling the truth this time. Since I've started taking them, my thoughts have only gotten darker. My depression has never been this bad, I'm falling behind in school and my grades are so low they're afraid I won't pass. And I don't care._

_It gets worse._

_My depression won't let me sleep and insomnia has settled in. I don't think I've actually slept in three days. I hate this. I hate my life. I don't want to live this way anymore. I can't live like this anymore. Nobody should know the numbness of losing a friend._

_I should have done something to prevent Alfie from getting stabbed. I should have given the guy what little money I had. If I had just given... Its all my fault. Zak says it isn't, and, Gabriel. But it is. Nobody else had money but for me, and I should have given it to him. I could have stopped the stabbing. I could have prevented it. I could have..._

_Dean, please, save me from this eternal Hell. I can't live like this, I need somebody to distract me. Please, whatever you want, I'd be up for it. Hanging out, kissing, making out. Sex. Anything. I just need a distraction, any distraction..._

_But I won't get one._

_Because whatever we do, it would bring us closer, and I don't want that. Not when every close friend I've ever had has died. I am bad luck. I don't want to cause you any harm, its bad enough you know me!_

_I do love you, Dean. Nothing will change that. But I just... I can't love you. Not like I want to. I know it sounds confusing, but just go with it._

_I will always love you, my dear,_

_Castiel~_

Dean rubbed his eyes. He was getting tired now, tuckered out from reading for a few hours, and, worn out from messing around with Lisa after school in the Impala as they drove around town. He yawns and stretches, trying to ignore the question hammering away at him, the same question that's been at the back of his mind since the first variation of "these letters will never reach you". _Why give me the letters now?_


	39. 38.

**TW** **:**

**MENTIONINGS ON SUICIDAL THOUGHTS**

**Self-harm**

_April 23, 2016_

_Dean,_

_I keep spiraling deeper and deeper into darkness. Writing to you no longer helps. Thinking about our first kiss no longer helps. Nothing helps. The only thing I feel anymore besides the battle with my demons is the pain in my arms and thighs and wetness and warmth of the blood that drips._

_What's the point of living if pain is all life gives me? Surely you've forgotten about me by now. So there really is nothing left, is there? Nothing but pain from a broken heart after losing my only other best friend. I mean, sure I have Zak, but they're just as much of a wreck as I am! If not, a little less._

_This is truly the end for me. I have nothing left. Writing to you doesn't have the same effect as it did. Alfie's death brings back the pain from losing Charlie along with the pain from his death. My mother is gone, and my father is keeping his distance but is always lurking in the background. You're gone, Bobby says you haven't really worked since I left, and I go to a different school now so I can't see you or hear you. Everybody I care about besides Zak and Bobby and Gabe are gone. And maybe I should join them. I mean, nobody would really miss me. I don't have any friends besides you, Zach, and Bobby._

_I know what you're thinking, Dean, "Jimmy, there's so much to live for!" but Jimmy isn't my name, and you don't understand the pain I feel. No one does. I've lost too much, and I know that if I continue on with life, I'll lose the rest of you eventually. And I can't bear that pain. This is it for me, Dean. This is where I take my leave. There's just nothing left for me._

_Sure, I'll try for a little while longer, I'll do it for you, but this truly seems to be it for me. We'll graduate soon, you'll go to college, and I'll never see you again._

_I love you, Dean. I just wish you could know how much._

_*Castiel Novak_

Knowing his letters could only get worse, Dean skips the last three and breaks down. Big fat tears fall down his face and soak into the fresh pages Castiel wrote this morning. He knew this letter was sure to come, and he didn't want to read it. He pinches his arm just to be sure he didn't fall asleep reading the letters, but, the pain on his skin reveals the truth.

Dean tries to calm himself, taking deep breaths in and holding them before slowly letting them back out. A whine escapes his throat and he sniffles. He sets the letters down, his heart racing and aching and one if his free hands clench around the shirt on his chest, and his steady breathing stops and goes ragged and he starts to panic. He picks up his phone and dials the only person he knows would be up at this hour, "Bobby!"


	40. 39.

**TW** **:**

**SUICIDE NOTE BITS**

**mentionings** **of** **self-harm**

After talking and pleading with Bobby and getting Gabriel's information, he hangs up. Dean takes a shaky breath in and lets it out, his tears threatening to spill once more as he starts reading the final letter.

_Dean,_

_If you've made it this far, thank you. It shows you care enough to read through the letters I've written to you over the course of four years._

_I'm sure you've skipped here and there, who wouldn't? But you've read this far, and it means the world to me. But... I can't know for sure. In my mind you did, in reality... You probably got creeped out and threw them all away. And I wouldn't blame you._

_I'm just... I'm not happy anymore, Dean. I've tried for so long, to be happy, but I can't. It's impossible. I have no friends, and Zak only pitty dated me. My heart still hurts from them leaving me the way they did. I was just starting to get over you, just starting to move on, and they took what happiness and string of hope I had and snapped it. I just can't deal with this pain in my chest, arms, and legs anymore._

_For a little while, a long while, you helped me. You changed my life, you had a major impact on my life. But it's not the same anymore. I find myself in the darkest of times now. It's all the time, my mood is so low, so dark and cold._

_My negativity causes fights between Gabriel and I. He argues that I need help, and he's probably right, but who would want to listen to me? Nobody really ever has._

_I just... I'm tired, Dean. I'm emotionally and physically tired. I'm numb. I don't feel anything but the pain when I slice my skin with the blade I pulled out of my razor. And that's just to escape the pain of loss and heartbreak. My life has really spiraled out of control and I can't seem to get a grip on it. I'm tired of this. I can't deal with it anymore!_

_I don't feel anything but numb sadness, and nothing is going to change that. Nothing but perhaps death himself. I've run into him more than once throughout my life, and maybe its time to greet him again. Just one last time, and hopefully this time will be successful. I can't live a life that's full of nothing but pain and short-lived happy commercial breaks before it gets back to the shit show._

_I just can't take this anymo_

Dean couldn't finish the note. He grabs his jacket from his desk chair, fixes his clothing, throws on his boots, and makes his way down the stairs, "Dean? Dean, honey, where are you going? I thought you were asleep?" His mother surprises him as he makes his way to the kitchen to grab his keys off the table. She sees the tears before they fall heavily on his jacket, "Dean, baby, what's wrong?"

"It's Cas! Mom, he-" Dean cuts himself off. Mary sets her mug of tea down and Dean falls into her arms.

"Dean, who's Cas? I don't think you've ever mentioned them before!" Her voice is soothing as she rocks her sobbing son. Dean buries his face in the crook of her neck and sniffles.

"Jimmy." He mumbles. Mary lets out a shocked chuckled what, taken aback by a name she hasn't heard in nearly three years.

"Jimmy?" Dean can sense the questions bubbling up within her and he pulls back.

"I have to go, I have to..." He pauses and tries to calm himself down, "I've got to go." He snatches his keys off the wooden tabletop and makes his way out the door. He wipes at his eyes as he takes a moment to collect himself as he sits in his car "Shit!" He hisses, "Fuck!" He slams his palm on the steering wheel out of frustration. If he hadn't messed around with Lisa after school and had just gone home, there would be a bigger chance of Castiel still being alive when he got to his apartment. With a sigh and the turn of a key, he screeches out of his driveway and down the road towards the apartment building a little ways away from Bobby's garage.


	41. 40.

**⚠** **TRIGGER** **WARNING⚠**

**MAJOR** **CHARACTER** **SUICIDE** **ATTEMPT** **SCENE**

With every heavy beat of his racing heart, Dean weaves in and out of the fast lane and normal lane on the highway. His speed is dangerous and his driving is reckless, and he's sure he's going to cause an accident if he doesn't slow down. Horns honk as he slides into the tight spaces between them without warning, only to dart back out and pass the one in front. He's shaking, he's sweating, he's crying. He's fearing for the worst, and he should. He has no clue where he's going, or if Gabriel will even let him into the apartment. A trucker rages and blares his horn as Dean cuts him off, causing him to swerve. Dean steps on the gas, even more, looking at the time. It's damn near midnight and there's too much traffic.

The sun is just coming starting to come up as Dean finds the right apartment building. He hastily presses the button with the name _Novak_ on it in jumbled handwriting.

"Hello?" Gabriel's voice cracks as it comes through the old speaker.

"Gabe? Gabe! Let me in, please! Its Dean! From work!" Dean pleads, his voice wrecked and broken sounding. He waits impatiently for Gabriel to buz him in, bouncing in his toes.

"Dean, do you have any idea-"

"Gabe, it's very important, don't ask questions! Just! Buz me in! Please!" He hears the click of the door being unlocked and races into the lobby. He pushes the elevator button and runs to the stairs when it doesn't come fast enough for his liking. He hears the doors open as he makes his way through the door and races over the stairs to the fourth floor.

"Dean, what's going on?" Gabriel asks as he rubs his eyes, letting Dean through the door. He should have covered up, but in his confusion and half-awake state, he couldn't find anything and now he's standing in his boxers at nearly five in the morning, letting his coworker into his apartment.

"Where's Cas?!" Dean says, searching the house.

"He's in his room studying, wh-"

"CAS!" Dean shouts, going into hysterics again, "Gabriel! Where's his room?" Dean asks as he opens a door. Dean's heart breaks before it stops, or stops before it breaks, he doesn't know for certain which happens first. All he knows is that Gabriel is now rushing past him and screaming his brother's name.

Castiel hangs from his sturdy ceiling fan. Something that looks weaker than it really is. His face is turning blue and limbs are twitching slightly. There's a note on his bed. "Cas!" Dean's voice is weak, broken, and desperate. He runs over to the other boy, helping Gabriel get him down. Tears stream down both Gabriel's and Dean's face, hands desperately trying to get the rope from around his neck and fan.

With much struggle, Castiel is finally free and taken quickly into Dean's arms, "Can you find a pulse?" Gabriel sniffles as he picks up the letter. He seems more collected than Dean is, and Dean can't blame him. Not with all the attempts, Castiel has done; he's merely used to this by now. Dean quickly looks for Castiel's pulse, trying to find the one on his neck first. Panic and grief rushes through him when he can't find it and he tries his wrist quickly, holding him tightly and crying into the boy's hair when he finds it.

"He's alive." Dean sniffs and looks up at Gabriel. Relief washes over Gabriel's face and he crouches next to Dean.

"We should get him an ambulance," Gabriel says calmly. Dean nods and lays Castiel in his lap, hoping with everything that he didn't ruin his chance of survival by his stupid and scared actions. Gabriel leaves the room as he pulls out his phone.

"Cas... Why'd you do this to yourself? You stupid fool!" Dean whispers and plays with Castiel's dark hair. "If you were to have just asked Bobby, he would have given you my address... We could have talked... We could have loved... I could have saved you... You wouldn't have been in this mess if you had just..." A tear falls from Dean's face and drips onto Castiel's forehead, "Don't leave me, damn it! Not after all those letters... Not after a first kiss like that! Please!" Dean begins to cry harder. He didn't like seeing Castiel like this. He wanted him to wake up, he needed him to wake up! He needed him to be okay!

"Dean?" A voice croaks.


	42. 41.

"Cas?" Dean whispers. Castiel's eyes flutter open, bloodshot from crying, and being choked.

"Dean..." He smiles, "I did it. I finally- gah!" Castiel tries to sit up, but pain prevents him from doing so.

"Cas, don't move," Dean says, his voice breaking, "Gabriel is getting you an ambulance, alright? Don't move, stay still until they get here."

"I'm not... And you're..." Castiel mumbles, piecing things together. His eyes water before fat tears spill over and Dean shushes him as he blabbers, "I'm sorry, Dean! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! I didn't mean it! I-"

"Cas, its okay! I got you! I got you... I love you..." Dean's own tears mix with Castiel's and he bends over him to kiss him, "I got you..."

"I'm sorry!" Castiel cries. Dean shushes him some more and soothes him by playing with his hair.

"It's okay, Cas. I'm here now, you're going to be alright. I love you too. I always will! You don't creep me out! The letters made me fall in love with you, they brought back the crush I had on you! I love you!" Dean blabbers, his crying never seeming to stop, even when Castiel is brought out on a stretcher by paramedics.

Dean holds his hand in the ambulance, shushing him and saying it's alright every time Castiel says he's sorry and how stupid is he is.

After Castiel is checked over, the doctors say how lucky he is to come out of this with just a major sprain. Castiel sleeps peacefully in Dean's strong arms, bundled up in a blanket they had shared for a while before Dean got overheated and gave it all to Castiel. The doctors come in every once in a while, wanting to keep Castiel overnight to keep an eye on him before he goes for counseling, and every time they do, they tell Dean to sleep. But he can't. Not after the trauma he's been through. Instead of arguing with them, he simply holds Castiel closer and rests his eyes until they leave the room.

*********

"Dean? You're still here?" Castiel asks as he wakes up around noon. Dean smiles shyly and nods.

"Yeah... I am..." He says bashfully. He looks down at Castiel, who still had his head resting on his chest.

"Why?"

"Because I love you." Dean's voice cracks with emotion, "I'm never leaving your side. You won't ever feel alone again... You won't ever feel sad, and if you do, I'll take care of you." Dean says quietly. His thumb strokes over the deep scars on Castiel's arm, the pad of his thumb getting caught on a thick scab. "I won't ever use you. I won't ever leave you, or break your heart." Dean looks into the deep blue pools of Castiel's eyes, "I love you too, Cas..." Castiel's heart swells with emotion. It swells with something he hasn't felt in a long time, and it spills over his cheeks, "No more crying, my darling. No more tears." Dean says softly. He wipes Castiel's tears away and smiles when he sees that familiar shy blush spread across Cas's cheeks.

"I love you so much, Dean!" Castiel cries, "I was so stupid! I should have told you! I should have corrected you on my name! I should have texted you! I should have called you! I should have taken you out on that date! I should have kissed you again! I should ha-" Dean cut Castiel off with a simple kiss. Their lips move together perfectly like they were born to kiss one another. They kiss until their lungs scream for air and they kiss some more, only parting when things got dizzy.

"Its fine, Cas. We can do everything. We can have a do-over, and we can make everything you've dreamed happen, every scenario you've gone over in your head... Everything. I love you." Dean says as they break away hold each other tight.

"I love you too, Dean!" Castiel sobs and kisses him again.

Castiel was released later the next night, sent home with a neck brace, and, the love of his life. They didn't do anything but cuddle and watch movies on Gabriel's couch while Gabriel worked at Bobby's. Dean dozed off and on throughout his stay at the Novak residence with Cas, Castiel laying on top of him and cuddled in the blanket they shared.

This wasn't the most perfect way to start a relationship, but for them, it worked. Castiel's neck got better, they went on dates. They messed around once or twice. Castiel felt safe, loved, wanted, and needed. He never once doubted their relationship. He is happy even though his depression still a daily struggle, but not as bad with Dean there to help.

For once, in years really, Castiel James Novak is happy and full of life, and it is all thanks to the person he wrote to for years.


	43. Epilogue

It's been almost four years since Dean read the letters. Its been almost four years since Dean and Castiel got together.

They've never been happier, both have a steady job, a good-paying job that covers the expense of Castiel's deep healing therapy and counseling sessions, and they've moved out of Gabriel's apartment and into a decent-sized house. Moving in took longer than expected as they both would start a happy makeout session with every new room they brought boxes to, and sometimes it would go farther than they intended.

Castiel's favorite room in the house is their large kitchen-dining-room. He spends most of his free time there, baking small pastries for Dean and himself. He's currently rolling out gingerbread dough for cookies for the Christmas party that's going to start soon. He takes a handful of flour and sprinkles some on the dough to prevent it from sticking to the rolling pin, putting the extra back into the bag. He smiles as he hears the front door open and heavy boots walking in the kitchen behind him. Dean wraps his arms around him and pulls him into his snowy chest, "What're you doing?" Dean mumbles into Cas's ear before kissing it.

"Baking cookies... I don't think I added enough flour to the dough though... It is still sticky." Cas frowns as he grabs the rolling-pin and presses it into the dough. He sighs as Dean presses soft kisses to his neck, "Dean, we have guests coming over, and I have cookies in the oven!" Castiel laughs gently.

"Alright, alright... Later then, my love?" Dean proposes as he noses at Castiel's ear.

"Later." Castiel smiles and turns his head to kiss Dean on the lips, "I love you so much..." He whispers as he rests his forehead against Dean's temple.

"I love you too, Darlin'. More than words can say." Dean smiles and kisses Castiel's forehead.

"The cookies in the oven should be done, could you pull them out for me, Dean?" Castiel asks before tending to the rest of the dough he has in front of him. Dean nods and slips on oven mitts before pulling the oven door down and taking the cookies out, setting them on the stovetop before closing the oven door again. Just as Dean sets the cookies down and takes off the mitts, there's a knock at the door.

"They're here!" Dean grins and heads to the door while Castiel presses a tree-shaped cutter into the brown dough.

*********

Sleepy from the excitement and stomachs full of the food brought over, Castiel and Dean curl up under a blanket on the couch in front of the fireplace. Castiel sips on the red wine Sam had brought and left them and sighs contently. There's soft instrumental Christmas music playing in the background, mostly played by the piano, "Cas?" Dean looks at the man resting his head on his shoulder.

"Yes, my love?" Castiel lifts his head to look at the man who had saved his life over a dozen times throughout his teen years. Dean hands him a neatly folded piece of paper. Confused, Castiel unfolds it and looks at Dean in questioning, "What's this?" He asks, tilting his head.

"Read it..." Dean says nervously. Castiel doesn't know what to expect and so he slowly drags his eyes across the paper.

_December 25, 2019_

_Dear Castiel James Novak,_

_My love, I've known you for all-around about almost five years. At first, you were as simple crush named James, or as I had called you because it made it you blush, Jimmy. But then you grew into something more extraordinary when I read your letters._

_You were my very first crush on a boy. My first kiss with a boy, and my first heated kiss with a boy at that._

_I had tried so hard to get you to talk to me_

"Dean, I do not understa-"

"Just keep reading, Baby!" Dean kisses Castiel's temple.

_and for a while, I thought you ignored me because you hated me, but that subsided when Gabriel had mentioned you had horrible social anxiety mixed with social awkwardness. Having found that out, the least I wanted to do was get you to smile and feel comfortable. You were one hard case to crack, but somehow, we made it work. We found a bond and could last hours in comfortable silence. We had a strange friendship, but it worked._

_It works much like our relationship now. We can still spend hours without talking, and we understand each other and talk through body language. We truly have something special, something like nobody else has. We can say I love you just by simply looking at one another, or just by a brush of a hand or arm or foot. I've never had a connection so deep like this with anybody else, and to be truthful, it scares me a little._

_It scares me to think I can love somebody so deeply, so unconditionally, like this. Nobody has ever truly made me feel the way you do, and that is one of the many amazing things you do!_

_You're probably wondering why on earth I'd give you a letter so deep, true, and sweet, and, you will find out in due time. But for now, I just want to say I love you, and I'm so glad you are still with us today. I'm glad I got those letters all those years ago, even if it was to lead up to the worse letter you'd ever give me; that I couldn't even finish. I'm so happy you're alive and well, and that you tell me everything still, whether it's through a letter or if it's verbal._

_Castiel, I love you so much, darling! I can't express my love through verbal words or through words scrawled across paper. I won't ever find the right words to say, or the right body language to show my true affection for you. Just know that every time I look at you, I still lose my breath and the world still seems to stop. You're so beautiful, and I'm so lucky to be able to call you mine._

_My darling, I love you so much, and you make me so happy. Every moment spent with you is a blessing and a gift that shouldn't be wasted._

_Will you marry me?_

_~Dean Ross Winchester_

Castiel's breathing hitches as tears fill his eyes. Dean had slid down onto the floor to get on one knee while Cas was fully invested in the letter. Castiel sobs as he sets the letter down to look at Dean, a wide smile spreads across his face as tears spill over his cheeks as he sees the silver and diamond band in the small box Dean is presenting, "Well, Cas?" Castiel blushes and laughs as he holds out his hand and nods his head frantically. Dean slips on the ring and Castiel slides onto the floor to kiss Dean softly.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! I love you so much, Dean!" Castiel says between kisses. He cries happily into the kiss and Dean holds him tight, "I love you."

"Merry Christmas, Baby! I love you too!" Dean laughs as Castiel kisses him into the soft rug of their living room floor. Dean pushes Castiel back gently and smiles, "We can't do this on the floor, my back won't be happy in the morning." Dean says as he sits them up. With a soft grunt, Castiel gets off of Dean and helps him up off the floor. He hugs Dean and kisses him, humming as he feels the soft flesh of Dean's lips on his neck.

"I love you," Castiel says as they rush to the bedroom to celebrate their engagement.

"I love you, too."


End file.
